More Coldplay, Warns Ofsted

CUTS in school music budgets could lead to a cataclysmic surge in Coldplay, Ofsted have warned.

The education watchdog said that without extra investment Britain faces a pandemic of ghastly sixth-form poetry and clangingly obvious chord progressions.

Schools have been warned that without a proper grounding in music appreciation, the country risks creating a 'lost generation' of simpering teenagers singing Fix You very quietly on the bus.

An Ofsted spokesman said: "Imagine somebody warbling an episode of Brideshead Revisited at your face, accompanied by an acoustic guitar, forever."

The report found that 70 percent of pupils could not tell the difference between the Pigeon Detectives and a group of musicians, while only one in 10 schools allow pupils to swap their James Morrison albums for drugs.

The spokesman added: "Music is considered so unimportant in some schools they allow PE teachers to conduct the lessons. That's just one step away from placing some textbooks in a pile and setting fire to them."

A spokesman for the National Union of Teachers said: "It's not yet as bad as Norway where 30 years of chronic underfunding left the country decimated by death metal and Aqua.

"Nevertheless with the funds available here in the UK, we'll be lucky to produce a Bez every five years."

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RBS Execs To Rev Their Ferraris Very Loudly Outside Your House

ROYAL Bank of Scotland executives are to use their six figure bonuses to buy Ferraris which they will then rev loudly right in front of your house.

The bankers said they wanted to thank you for all the money in a really insincere way which not only rubs it in but reminds you what idiots you've been.

An RBS spokesman said: "When you come to the window they will wave and shout 'cheers motherfucker!' before tooting the horn and driving the car the 20 yards to your neighbour's house where they will then repeat the process.

"Admittedly this will take up quite a lot of office time but when you get £20 billion from the taxpayer for, essentially, fucking up, work does tend to become less of a priority."

After the gloating the bankers will then drive their Ferraris to a rally in Hyde Park where they will hold a contest to decide who is most like Ferris Bueller.

Tom Logan, an executive in the small business division, said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

He added: "This is my ninth sick day this semester. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably gonna have to barf up a lung. So I better make this one count."

Logan then jumped on a passing float, grabbed the microphone and gave an outstanding rendition of Twist and Shout.