Clean Up The Queen aims to stop monarch’s filthy language

THE Clean Up The Queen campaign is enlisting the public’s help to stop Her Majesty cursing like a drunken sailor. 

The monarch’s habitual profanity has always been tolerated but advancing age has brought the clean-to-obscene ratio to 1:1, making public engagements impossible.

The Lord Chamberlain said: “It’s a wonderful tradition, of course.

“It was one of the best moments of Brucie’s life when she said ‘Arise, Sir fucking Forsyth’, and we get away with the Queen’s Speech because we translate the rude bits to Latin.

“But when she’s meeting the public, such is British deference that when she asks ‘And what the fuck do you do, penis-breath?’ they feel compelled to reply ‘I’m a restorer of medieval cocksucking manuscripts, ma’am.’

“So we’re asking everyone, for the next few months, to go against their natural instincts and reprimand the Queen for her terrible language, hitting her on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper if necessary.

“Together we can make this dirty, potty-mouthed old head of state the pride of our nation once again.”

He added: “As long as nobody gets her onto Prince Charles. Nothing stops the torrent of filth then.”

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Kids interchangeable

MOST parents would not notice if their kids were swapped for some other kids, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies set out to prove that all children were more or less the same by randomly switching some kids around without telling their parents.

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “My son just sits around playing Minecraft and eating crisps, so it took me two months to realise that I was living with an impostor called ‘Bobby’.

“I presume my son Paul is currently living with Bobby’s parents, or something. But Bobby can stay if he wants, he’s basically the same and it’s less hassle to keep him.”

Father-of-three Tom Logan said: “My daughter likes horses, Harry Styles and fiddling with her friends’ hair, which is the same as the girl now staying in her room.

“At first I was angry when I realised she’d been swapped but I’ve come to realise these children are more or less the same. It’s not as if any of them are secretly wizards, like in their idiotic books.”