Davos Celebrates Another Year Of Frantic Masturbation

THE small Swiss town of Davos was last night celebrating another successful year of A-grade horseshit and frenzied wanking.

As the World Economic Forum draws to a close, the organisers said they had established a new benchmark in meaningless exchanges and empty, ego-driven promises.

Bruno Schmerz, deputy chairman of the grandstanding committee, said: "We can still pull them in. Gates, Sting, that guy that used to hang around Downing Street thinking about trains.

"Even Gordon Brown turned up. Don't get me wrong, it was lovely to see him, but what the hell was he doing here?

"His country is going down Der Poopenschläft but he still finds time to hop over to the Alps for a couple of days.

"Mind you, he does love to sit down with old chums like Greenspan and Bono and have a right good wank."

The organisers said this year's event set a new record for the number of billionaires who arrived by helicopter to talk about the ghastliness of poverty.

Schmerz added: "Davos has once again fulfilled its key objective, which is to allow executives and academics to spend part of the year talking about how they are going to Davos and then spend the other part of the year talking about what Davos was like."

Next year's highlights will include Der ÜberWänk, when all the delegates will gather in the main hall for 20 minutes of frantic, communal self-abuse.

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Man City Players Love Chasing Sticks, Says Eriksson

MANCHESTER City manager Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed his players love to chase after sticks and are easily distracted by bright lights.

Eriksson said he first noticed the behaviour when goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel returned a water bottle that had be thrown to him.

"One of the coaches threw the bottle but it went over Kasper's head. He chased after it, picked it up and brought it back, clearly very keen for us to throw it again.

"We quickly moved on to sticks and then tennis balls."

He added: "Sometimes I just pretend to throw the stick. Danny Mills will run off but stop after a few yards and turn around and look at me as if to say, 'where's it gone?'"

The players are also transfixed by colours, unusual shapes and bright lights, the manager said.

"We were in the changing room after a training session and I noticed that quite a few of the boys were distracted by a strange, fast-moving light on the wall.

"I then realised it was just the reflection from my watch. Whenever I moved my wrist, their heads would quickly follow. Now I use a torch."

Eriksson added: "They love to sit in front of the television when Strictly Come Dancing is on.

"They are fascinated by the movement, and whenever Bruce Forsyth is on screen Rolando Bianchi will just crouch down and howl."