Ecclestone Wife To Buy Two Midgets

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.

Slavica Ecclestone is expected to receive enough money in her divorce settlement to buy any man, or combination of men, that she wants.

She said last night: "When I was a young girl my idea of the perfect husband was a man who was suave, sophisticated, about six foot tall and had a billion pounds.

"But unfortunately at the age of 26 I found myself in the position where I had to choose between a man who was nine foot tall but skint and a three foot midget with two billion pounds.

"I chose Bernie Ecclestone."

She added: "We had many happy years but there's only so long you can be a climbing frame for a monkey. Even a very, very rich monkey.

"But soon I will have the money and I can choose. I suppose the easy thing would be to have one very large husband but I really like the idea of two midgets in a boiler suit.

"Then they can take it in turns to be the one on top. It'll keeps things fresh."

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End Of US Power Will Not Affect Its Television Programmes, Say Experts

THE waning of America’s influence on the global stage should not affect its ability to produce high quality drama and clever sitcoms, experts said last night.

The National Intelligence Council (NIC) said that by 2025 you are likely to be strapped to a chair and held at gunpoint by Algerian mercenaries while rising sea water laps around your ankles and mutant chickens eat the last of your porridge, but you will still be able to watch Prison Break on your iPod.

According to the report the post-US world order will also see an increase in rogue states run by criminals including Afghanistan, Somalia, Russia and Scotland.

An NIC spokesman said: “America will be a bit like Superman in Superman II when he loses all his power after he falls in love with Lois Lane and then gets beaten up in the diner by that horrible truck driver even though he’s still six foot five and built like a brick shithouse.

“But in this case the falling in love with Lois lane will be six billion highly-educated Asians who will work 18 hour shifts for 50 pence a day while you become too fat to heave yourself onto the toilet.”

Meanwhile the report warns that nuclear technology will put the atomic bomb in the hands of Iran, Egypt, North Korea and Carphone Warehouse.

Television viewer Tom Logan , from Watford, said: “I honestly couldn’t give a tupenny shit whether the world is run by dastardly Chinese communists or insane Russian gangsters as long as somebody keeps making Battlestar Galactica.

“And Scrubs. I just love Scrubs. If you asked them I’m sure a lot of my friends would say I’m just like JD.”