Is It Time To Use Stem Cells For Practical Jokes?

THE medical profession faces a new ethical dilemma after scientists raised the prospect of stem cells being used for tomfoolery and high-jinks.

After the successful transplant of a windpipe, engineered through a combination of a donor organ and the patient's own cells, doctors believe they will soon be able to transplant a windpipe that farts.

Dr Bill McKay, head of ethics at the British Medical Association, said: "It's basically the same technique, so we know we can do it. The only question is – should we?"

Dr McKay said the applications for prank-based stem cell technology were limitless including gigantic monkey hands, a 25ft electric tongue and a concept he refers to as 'Professor Octopus'.

He added: "Curing cancer and replacing diseased organs is all good stuff, but wouldn't it be brilliant for stag nights?

"You could whip-off the groom's genitals and replace them with an angle-poise lamp safe in the knowledge that it wouldn't be rejected. He'd have to walk around like that for hours.

"The joke could even be turned around on the medical profession and you could have some random bloke arriving at A&E with a 26-inch plasma screen lodged inside his genetically enlarged rectum.

"The on-call doctor's face would be an absolute picture."

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Britain Now The Drunk Woman At A Party

BRITAIN is now the noisy, emotional drunk woman at a party, according to a major new report.

The New York-based International Institute for Studies said Britain had obviously been drinking before she arrived and was now starting to make everyone uncomfortable.

Professor Todd Brubaker said: "One minute she's dancing with the fat man, the next minute she's pointing at him and shouting 'look at the fat man trying to dance'."

"Then she goes round the room telling everyone else they have to dance with the fat man because now she's in charge of the party."

Professor Brubaker added: "Then she gets all serious and goes on and on about all the money she's got on her credit cards and if the government can pay off the banks' credit cards then they should pay off her's as well because she really needs one of those new hairdryers with the built-in conditioner thing.

"Then she flirts pathetically with that really cool guy that's just arrived before striding into the kitchen and telling everyone he fancies her but don't say anything to him because he'll just deny it.

"Eventually she starts bawling uncontrollably because some woman that she never met has just died and then staggers outside to vomit all over the gas barbecue.

"And the whole time you're just looking at her in horror and thinking to yourself, 'God, I hope she doesn't have any kids'."

US president-elect Barack Obama welcomed the report, adding that one of his earliest priorities will be to put Britain into a taxi.