Eight celebrities whose sex lives you would prefer never to have known about

THERE are celebrities whose sex lives you’d happily read a 1,000-page book about, and celebrities you’d prefer not to think of that way. Guess which ones share? 

Vanessa Feltz

Talking about faking her orgasms, Feltz said: ‘When you’re not concentrating and thinking about defrosting the freezer… you’ve got to fake it.’ The phrasing ensured that, when not concentrating and defrosting the freezer, you will now think about Feltz and ex Ben Ofoedu going at it mechanically and without passion.

Matt Hancock

Watching the video of the then-health secretary grinding his lover up against a wall like a teenager at a disco was traumatic. His hands scuttling like a pair of xenomorphs made it so much worse and now he won’t shut up about how in love he is, behaving like he and Gina are the new Katie and Peter when they are very much f**king not.

Richard Madeley

Rusty tortoise Madeley is as unruffled about discussing sex as he is about paying for champagne before leaving Tesco. From iced-water ball-baths to asking guests if they would rather shag him or his wife, anyone who watched This Morning in the 1990s remains haunted by the glimpses behind the boudoir curtain.

Hulk Hogan

Back in 2007, the former wrestler and star of Mr Nanny spent a pleasant afternoon being fellated by his best friend’s wife. The subsequent video – they filmed it, to look back on – appeared on Gawker for the delectation of a world that loved Hulkamania in childhoods that are now retroactively ruined.

Edwina Currie

While not enforcing sexual puritanism, the ministers in Thatcher’s government were shagging each other. Edwina Currie did her best to make John Major look like an absolute player by calling him a ‘sexy beast’ in reference to their well-publicised affair. He’s not a sexy beast though, is he? He’s John Major. And he did it with her.

The Krankies

An act that claimed to be a naughty schoolboy and his father but were in reality man and wife already didn’t bear thinking about. Revelations that the couple were swingers in the 1980s and had wild sex on boats deepened this unease to psychological scarring. Britain can no longer hear ‘Fandabidozi!’ without wincing.

Gino D’Acampo

Like a confessional box but instead of a box it’s a desk and instead of a priest it’s ITV2’s Celebrity Juice, Gino D‘Acampo couldn’t wait to unburden himself of the weird shit he’d been doing with his cousin. Too unpleasant to repeat here, the story is best buried somewhere nobody will ever have to hear it again. So ITV2 then.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tories expected to take crushing defeat well

THE Conservative party and their client media are expected to take their absolute defeat by Gary Lineker on the chin and not bear any grudges. 

Tories ostensibly uninvolved in Lineker’s suspension, apart from demanding it, cheering it and ludicrously claiming a silent 20-minute Match of the Day was brilliant, are planning to forget it and move on.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Kenilworth and Southam said: “No hard feelings. After all, we love the BBC almost as much as we love the NHS.

“So, even though we had our arses surgically detached and served to us with a flourish under a big silver cloche in front of all our important friends, we’re not going to plot revenge in any way.

“After all, it’s not like our pets in the media resent the BBC, is it? For providing popular entertainment and trusted news their plutocrat owners can’t compete with? So the motivation just isn’t there.

“And, what with us getting kicked out of power for a good decade shortly, it’s not as though we’ve got nothing to lose. We’re hardly going to smash Britain up like we’re the Bullingdon Club or anything.

“So expect no retaliation from us, and certainly not the abolition of the licence fee and that jug-eared f**ker getting locked in jail for his tax affairs. It’s just not the Tory way.”