Six things that are wasted on young people, and it's not just because you're bitter and middle-aged

YOUNG people have the best of everything life has to offer and are too entitled to appreciate it, explains 49-year-old Joanna Kramer: 

Good health

The vigour of youth shrugs off the abuses of adolescents staying up all night on Red Bull and Skittles Crazy Sours, but they don’t even do it. They’re all in gyms and drinking decaf with soy milk. They should give their robust constitutions to those who need them, like parents putting away a bottle of wine and a rogan josh for one every night.

Joie de vivre

They’ve got all this energy and they spend it slumped around playing video games until they’re too hairy to move. That zest and zing should be given to older people, who’ve got jobs and hoovering to do. If Gen X had endless enthusiasm and verve the world be a less noisy and more efficiently categorised place, and wouldn’t that be a joy?


The next step in human evolution should be to make your first set of teeth last until 30, so once the young have bleached theirs to the point of degradation they’ve got a new set coming through. Which would be appreciated and cared for by wiser minds who would only chew gum all night on MDMA occasionally.

Mastery of technology

It’s easy for them. They only have to pick up a new technology and they’ve mastered it. And what do they use it for? Pulling faces, doing TikToks, or gormlessly binge-watching crap. If the middle-aged had their natural skill, they’d be able to hack their work laptop so the boss couldn’t tell when they were having a little afternoon sleep.

Free thought

Young people have the gift of liberated thought unrestrained by convention and imposed beliefs, and that’s why their ideas are altogether rather silly. It should only be available to older people who could really make a progressive difference in the world by very slightly adjusting existing systems in their favour.


Saddled with the biological urge to copulate, the young are always up each other regardless of consequence. Meanwhile couples who must love each other or they wouldn’t have stayed married since 2003 barely manage sex twice a year. They should siphon out their hormones and give them to us, except they’re all bisexual now so not those ones.

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Baggy jeans and big boobs: fashion signs that we're heading for a second Great Depression

ECONOMISTS may look to interest rates and GDP, but the strongest sign we’re in the financial shitter is teens with their boxers up over their waistbands again. And these: 

Baggy jeans

Thought we’d left these shapeless, sexless, uncomfortable atrocities in the 00s? No, they’re back, they’re ugly, and they’re very useful for maximising the amount of basic foodstuffs you can shoplift.


If the aforementioned shoplifting fails, the balaclava trend means you’re already sorted for a full-blown armed robbery.

Big boobs

Back when the money was flowing, people were too happy or coked up to care about objectifying women’s bodies. Now that we can’t afford heating, however, we can only dream of having that extra bit of built-in insulation.

Fringed dresses

Dangling threads everywhere, the chic fringed dress trend is easy to replicate by buying any item from Primark and wearing it twice.

Newsboy hats

The craze of the newsboy hat proves that we’re hitting the 1930s worldwide depression fad early. Although, in current markets, ‘newsboy’ is a job that even university grads are struggling to break into, unless they have family connections for an unpaid internship.

Candyfloss pink

The new shade is a gentle, delicate pink, easily achieved by not being able to do a separate whites wash and putting last season’s fuchsia in the mix. Now everything’s pink.

Vintage clothing

It sounds chic, but what it’s actually called is ‘a brand new coat would cost a hundred f**king pounds’. It’s wonderful to be praised for paying tribute to the 90s with your low-rise capris, when you’re actually wearing them because your mum was throwing them out and you shouted ‘Don’t!’

Tooth gems

Unfortunately, the appearance of tooth gems means that we’re already too far gone. Our collective brokenness has resulted in a collective insanity.