Emma Thompson To Decide Where You Go On Holiday

OSCAR winner Emma Thompson is to chair a new committee which will decide where you spend your summer holidays.

The Thompson committee will publish a list of approved holiday destinations in January each year along with a recommended mode of low carbon transport.

Thompson, who swims to all of her filming locations around the world, said: "I had the idea while I was swimming the Atlantic en route to the Golden Globe awards in Beverly Hills.

"I phoned Stephen Fry for advice but he said he couldn't talk because he was in New Zealand making a documentary about parrots. I said 'I hope you swam there' and he assured me that he had."

She added: "Unless you're a very good swimmer, like me, I'm afraid your choices will be rather limited.

"For 2009 we're looking at Widnes, Harrogate and Dundee. We've also got two weeks on a park bench in Port Talbot, working your way through a meat paste sandwich while it absolutely pisses down.

"France is really only available to strong swimmers, and if you are planning to travel on to the Dordogne you will have to allow for an extra eight weeks walking time.

"Or you could just stay at home and watch me and Will Ferrell in Stranger than Fiction which we filmed in the magnificent city of Chicago. That was a lovely swim."


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Scientists Unveil Energy Efficient Porno-Kettle

SCIENTISTS have invented a three-litre electric kettle with limescale filter, single-cup facility and an eight-inch LCD screen showing boiling-hot Amsterdam horse action.

In a bid to reduce the CO2 emissions created by internet searches, boffins at the Institute for Studies have combined the key functions of Google and the domestic kettle to produce the Pornocup 2000.

Researchers have estimated their new product can generate up to 14 litres of boiling water and show the moist conclusion of a five-way Belgian nun-cluster, using just one-fifth the electricity of a standard kettle and laptop computer.

Research director Henry Brubaker said: "The Pornucup will alter the way society indulges in a listless malaise of half-focussed self abuse.

"Environmentally-conscious onanists can now combine their two favourite pastimes – drinking endless cups of tea and wanking like a death row inmate with a copy of Nuts – while saving the Earth."

But safety experts have warned the Pornucup could be a recipe for hot disaster.

Tom Logan, professor of pornography accidents at Reading University, said: "The risks will be familiar to anyone who has stumbled around their bedroom in a post-tumescent haze looking for a tube sock.

"Imagine a scenario where someone tries to freeze-frame the money shot and ends up pouring a pint of liquid steam all over their clackers."

Brubaker said there were several applications for the new technology including a four slice toaster with built-in idiotic conspiracies and a bread maker with endless opinions about Celebrity Big Brother.