Enjoy it while you can, Conchita warns Farage

EUROVISION winner Conchita has advised Nigel Farage to make the most of his fleeting moment of glory.

Farage told the main parties that he would “see them in Westminster” next year but the Austrian singer warned him that he would probably have to go to the public gallery to do that.

Conchita said: “I thought winning the Eurovision contest would make me a superstar. But even though it was only three weeks ago, today I can walk down the street in the dress, beard and everything and no one even recognises me.

“It’ll be the same for Nigel and UKIP. People only vote in Eurovision or the European elections for a laugh.

“He’s no more chance of getting to Westminster than I have of outselling Lady Gaga.

“Come 2015, while I’m playing in Batley down the bill from Nookie Bear, he’ll be in the back room of some King’s Lynn pub ranting to his last 20 followers about how Britain needs to widen the English Channel by 75 miles.”


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iPhone ransom hackers bought by Apple

APPLE has paid £156m for the start-up that hacks into iPhones and demands a fee to unlock them.

The fledgling hacking business’s innovation of charging people who’ve already paid £600 for their phone more money just to use it will become a feature of the iPhone 6.

A spokesman for Apple said: “We get a cut from every song on iTunes and every app in the App Store, so the idea of anyone extorting money from iPhone and iPad owners without us seeing a penny is outrageous.

“The service will be closed temporarily while we make the design all white and special, then will be relaunched called Apple Access or something with a £100 initial charge and regular £25 top-ups.”

The move follows Apple’s recent £600,000 purchase of a South London criminal gang specialising in the theft and resale of their products.

Apple user Joanna Kramer said: “I remember when being defrauded online meant a tedious chain of emails to a Nigerian scammer.

“But, with Apple’s focus on the user experience, now all I have to do is tap the screen a few times and the money’s gone. It’s so intuitive.”