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Esther Rantzen hard to explain to young people

THE career of Dame Esther Rantzen, taking in as it did creating Childline while waving penis-shaped parsnips, has proved difficult to explain to younger generations.

Following the sad loss of the TV presenter, parents who accepted That’s Life! as perfectly normal Sunday evening viewing are now struggling to reconcile its contradictions to their children and to themselves.

Nathan Muir of Stevenage said: “It was very moving. It ran a whole campaign about a poor two-year-old who needed a liver transplant. Also, there was a dog that said ‘sausages’.

“Honest, you can see it on YouTube. Alright, his owner has to move his mouth for him, but it still sounds just like ‘sausages’. Fantastic. What happened to the boy who needed the liver transplant? Ah, I’m afraid he didn’t make it.

“Yes, now I’m telling you, it does seem a little odd the woman who founded Childline also took great delight in waving cock-shaped carrots around. Going from a moving piece about the Kindertransport to a ‘Doc’ Cox song about wanking now seems inappropriate.

“There was a cat that played ping-pong, they saved children’s lives with a seatbelt campaign, made up a fake animal called the Lirpa Loof and singlehandedly doubled organ donation in this country. Looking back, it was pretty f**ked up.

“What you don’t realise is that it was the 1970s, and we were just glad something was on.”

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Seven surprising benefits of rejoining the EU for Brexiters

ANDY Burnham clearly wants to rejoin the EU, which is bad news for Brexiters. But have they considered the benefits of returning to life before the 2016 referendum?

Being the underdogs again

People always root for the underdog and countless examples spring to mind: Rocky Balboa, Britain in 1940, and perhaps most famously the Rebels in Star Wars. Although the films might not be as popular if the Rebellion had creepy billionaire backers and Luke was a gammon. 

The rich vein of EU comedy 

How we all laughed at stupid EU rules. They thought HAIR DRYERS were a deadly threat! They wouldn’t let children BLOW UP BALLOONS, for Christ’s sake! It was funny because it was true, or in the latter case, completely made up by Boris Johnson, a morally repulsive exploiter of dunces who they laughably believed would go for a pint with them.

Refusing to join the EU army 

Remember the lovely sanctimonious fury of ranting about your children being conscripted into the EU army? Now you can experience it again! Hopefully the EU will hurry up with actually creating this force, as they don’t even seem to have designed the uniforms yet.

All your favourite Brexit stars can come back 

Like a 5ive reunion tour, Brexiteers who’ve not had any hits recently can return for some much-needed gigs. Boris, obviously, Dominic Cummings, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Kate Hoey, that guy in the Union Jack suit, the ever-popular Michael Gove. And of course the fit blonde woman iconically photographed in Sunderland. Assuming she’s not one of the 57 per cent opposed now. 

Having a good moan

It was hard not to suspect that most Leavers were people who loved a good moan, and Brexit was a change from the weather and prices in Asda. With the EU ruling Britain again, you can get back to endlessly whining about ‘Eurocrats’, fishing quotas and vacuum cleaners. Bliss!

Slagging young people

Brexiters never tired of telling us that older people like them knew more than naive youthful snowflakes. Obviously serious analysis shows a hit of at least six per cent to the economy and other ‘slow puncture’ problems as predicted. But ageing Brexiters were too thick to realise they were wrong then and they’re still too thick now, so they can kid themselves they’re wise elders again.

Identifying traitors

There’s nothing healthier than making rabid accusations of treachery and encouraging the mob to turn on traitors like judges, especially gay ones. Who knows, perhaps we can have actual public lynchings and hangings this time? Lineker has evaded justice for too long.

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