Everyone at fancy wedding is fabulous

EVERYONE who attended the society wedding of the year is completely fantastic in every way.

The marriage of Lady Melissa Percy and Thomas van Straubenzee brought together all the magical, shiny people in a dazzling display of wonderfulness.

Nathan Muir, an excited ponce from the Daily Mail, said: “William and Harry and Pippa and Chelsy and Holly and Cressida and Eugenie and Beatrice. And probably someone absolutely terrific called Zac.

“So shiny, so perfect.

“And look at all those dynamic young men in their beautiful waistcoats. I want to watch them play polo.”

Meanwhile, prime minister David Cameron sent an RAF helicopter to the event to convey the nation’s thanks to the guests for their inspiring display of easy self-confidence.

He said: “The wedding is at the castle where they filmed Harry Potter! Because that’s where Melissa grew-up! Because her dad’s the Duke of Northumberland! How fabulous for everyone concerned!”

Duchess Kate, the most brilliant and perfect of all, was not at the wedding as she prepares to give birth to the leader of the next generation of effortlessly charming superbness.

Helen Archer, a dreary unremarkable from Stevenage, said: “I just love how they are all so relaxed and easy-going about their inherited privilege.

“They really do have a natural gift for rubbing my fucking nose right in it. It makes me feel part of something very special.”

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Ecuador to breed endangered nerds

ECUADOR last night took a major step forward in its plan to breed pasty-faced nerds in captivity.

With the acquisition of Edward Snowden the South American country said it would introduce the NSA whistleblower to its prize Assange as soon as possible.

Ecuador has kept the Assange in its London embassy for over a year, waiting for the emergence of a renegade computer geek of sufficient quality.

A spokesman said: “Whistleblowing nerds are very paranoid and so they will need to sniff each other for a few days.

“Once they’re convinced that neither is an android, then hopefully they will start to become sexual.

“In order to breed them we do need to turn one of them into a woman. But presumably Wikileaks can get access to secret CIA instructions on how to do that.

“And then we’ll be able to churn out nerdy, anti-establishment whistleblowers at will.”

Asked what the country would do with its growing army of nerds, the spokesman said: “We haven’t really thought that far ahead.”