50 Shades director reveals Benny Hill-style vision

50 Shade of Grey director Sam Taylor-Johnson has promised fans the film will have a ‘Benny Hill vibe’.

She said: “As Benny Hill proved, sexiness always works best when combined with madcap comedy and frenetic saxophone music.”

Taylor-Johnson hopes to cast a portly, middle-aged man with round spectacles in the role of Christian Grey.

The director added: “We’re secured the music rights to Yakety Sax which will work perfectly for when he’s chasing the naked lady through his sex dungeon in a climactic slapstick chase.

“At one point they disappear behind a torture contraption, then come out on the other side with her chasing him in a brilliant switcheroo gag.”

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Heaven hit by mysterious fires

A SPATE of restaurant fires in Heaven has been linked to Tony Soprano.

The establishments were visited by the gangster immediately after his arrival, who commented what a terrible thing it would be if something happened to them.

St Peter said: “He’s currently sat in shorts, watching the ducks fly below him and waiting for Tony Blundetto to turn up with the canoles.

“Soprano is actually a very sweet guy but when I told him his mother was up here waiting to see him he went berserk before passing out. When it happened the Holy Ghost was all like ‘hey, what the fuck?’”

Heaven is now heavily unionised, with several members of the choir of angels having been badly beaten after trying to cross a picket line.

Although still ostensibly the supreme being, it’s believed that God is running decisions past Soprano first.

All new entries into heaven have to be discussed in the back room of the afterlife’s first strip club, ‘The Ba-Da-Beatitude’, with Christians that have paid their proper afterlife protection rates given preferential treatment.

The Pope is due to have a sit-down with Soprano later this week to agree a new crop of ‘made’ saints, with a 57-year-old New Jersey man named Silvio a surprise candidate after making a truck full of fur coats miraculously disappear.

St Peter added: “The advantage of him being here for all eternity is that he’ll never leave in a cut-to-black scene that really pisses us off.”