Evil haunted bike for sale on eBay

ANDREW Mitchell’s evil, possessed bike is for sale on eBay.

The distinctive black bicycle is haunted by the spirit of its former owner Lord Finchbrook, a sadistic aristocrat who peddled around his estate deliberately running over workers.

Parnormal expert Tom Booker said: “The bike exerts a malign influence over all who possess it, and must be fed with blood of people earning less than 30K.

“Its other scary features are a bell that rings itself at midnight and back-pedal brakes.”

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Pope farewell gig ends in riot

CATHOLICS trashed the centre of Rome yesterday as the Pope performed his farewell gig to 50,000 screaming fans.

After flying over the crowd swinging a 40-foot thurible of incense and running through some of his greatest liturgical hits, Benedict implored the faithful to ‘tear the roof off the fucker’.

Pope fan Tom Logan said: “People were throwing condoms at him asking him to personally condemn them, they were being fruitful in the fountain and shotgunning communion wine. It was a totally wild Angelus.

“Down the front I saw the Swiss Guard beating up a young priest for not having the right bible. It was a really heavy service. There  hasn’t been anything like it since Pope Paul VI at Altamont in 1970.”

As cleaners swept up broken rosary beads and torn nun habits decorated in glitter, the damage caused to St Peter’s Square is estimated to be millions of pounds that the Catholic church can easily afford.

The successor has yet to be decided but the papal conclave will now consider candidates with a more laid-back Joni Mitchell vibe less likely to cause another infallible wig-out.

Logan added: “Before yesterday’s gig, the announcer warned that the brown communion wafers circulating the square were bad, so maybe that was what got everybody so fucked up.”