Frost teases apology from God

GOD has apologised to mankind in a dramatic interview with the late Sir David Frost.

The deity admitted he had ‘let people down’ by inventing cancer, food packaging and Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones.

Looking intently at God, Sir David leaned forward and said: “At what point did you think Liz Jones would be a good idea?”

God sighed heavily and replied: “I don’t regret inventing Liz Jones, I regret letting her do things.”

God added: “People can forgive the original mistake, what they can’t forgive is allowing Liz Jones to express her thoughts in a national newspaper.

“For that I am deeply sorry.”

The deity agreed to his first interview in 5,000 years to promote a new edition of the Bible designed specially for the Samsung Galaxy S4.

Frost made the God interview his top priority as soon as he arrived in the afterlife and is now drawing up plans for a new TV channel that will rewrite the rules of broadcasting for the deceased.

Meanwhile, it is understood a drunken God telephoned the interviewer at three o’clock in the morning and accused him of trying to ‘fuck him over’ before reminding Frost that he outlived Peter Cook by 18 years.

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Arsenal pays £5.5 million for parallel universe Ronaldo

ARSENAL has signed Portuguese striker Ronaldo from a parallel Earth for the bargain price of £5.5m.

The club, frustrated with the inflated prices of the current transfer market, developed revolutionary new technology to cross realities in the hope of finding one that offered better value.

Manager Arsene Wenger said: “The current system is a scar on the face on football. I kept saying to myself ‘there is no way on this Earth Bale is worth £86 million.’

“Then I listened to my own wise words, and resolved to find an Earth where midfield playmakers are more sensibly priced.

“It took time because on the vast majority of parallel earths the Nazis won the war so Bayern Munich had all the best players and anyone who wanted to buy one of them would be shot.”

He added: “Eventually I found Earth Equitable, where the market is reasonable, where a manager can buy players without their jackal agents interfering, and where Jimmy Hill – that demon in human form – never existed to abolish the wages cap.”

Wenger’s alternate-Earth spending spree netted him Ronaldo for £5.5 million and Italian striker Andrea Pirlo for £2.4 million. He also swapped the Theo Walcott of our Earth for one who can score goals.

Arsenal’s new transfer policy has been slammed by rival Premier League clubs but has been most fiercely criticised by Earth Equitable’s Arsene Wenger who described the current system as a ‘scar on the face on football’ while standing next to his newly-built time machine.