God told me to sit around playing console games, says Pope

POPE Benedict quit his job after a ‘mystical experience’  in which God told him to sit around playing Bioshock and eating crisps.

He said: “There was this thing like a cloud that appeared in my bed chamber. God’s face was in it, with a big beard and stuff just like in films.

“In this boomy voice God said, ‘Poooope it is time for you to take it easy. And if anyone gives you grief about it I shall smite them.'”

“So there you go.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

There aren't enough hotties in my bake off

Dear Holly,

I love my job on The Great British Bake Off, but I can’t help being a tad frustrated at the dire lack of attractive females. Lady-pickings amongst this year’s contestants are more than a little slim. The only one who is worth a second look made an awful rhubarb and custard mess in round one. Thankfully I persuaded Mary Berry to let her off with the dreadful chocolate ginger showstopper in the vain hope her loaves are of a better quality. Would I have better access to hotties as a yoga teacher or hair salon owner?


The Bake Off tent

Dear Paul,

I don’t know much about the adult male psyche, but it doesn’t sound like much progress is made beyond childhood. As far as I am concerned, the male of the species is best avoided at all costs, whether he can work an oven or not. I haven’t worked out what puberty is yet, but from what I can tell, it is a mysterious brainwashing process that makes ladies suddenly want to spend time with individuals who think it is acceptable to light their own farts. Why anyone would want to make physical contact with someone who has recently had their hands down their pants is beyond me. I shudder to think about how this affects the bread you make.

Hope that helps,