Vikings were just fantasy role-players

THE Vikings were a race of fantasy role-players who never invaded anywhere, it has emerged.

Archaeologists working at a Viking settlement found the 300-page rulebook for a game called ‘Helmquest’.

It is now believed that all Viking history is based on the game, which was played by groups of up to five Vikings with funny-shaped dice.

Archaeologist Norman Steele said: “The Vikings were a sedentary race of farmers whose swords and boats were purely decorative.

“However predominantly-male groups of Vikings would play complicated fantasy games where they pretended to be fierce warriors.

“They wrote down records of these games before retiring to their narrow virgins’ beds, and these tales became the basis of Viking history.

“A diary by ‘Ragnok the Unready’ expresses annoyance that ‘Hrothgar claimed his double-headed axe gave him +4 Pillage Points but this is patently not correct’.”

Steele’s team unearthed a Viking ‘games hall’ with comfy chairs and wooden bowls containing traces of friend potato snacks.

He added: “Although the Vikings are known for rape and pillage, most of them were scared of women and did not lose their virginity until well into their 30s.”

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Guardian ordered to destroy bourgeois lifestyle articles

THE Guardian has destroyed nauseatingly middle-class articles about garden furniture and teenagers failing to get a place at Oxford.

Ministers said it was in the national interest to destroy the articles as they make the UK a target for radical anti-narcissism groups.

A government spokesman said: “The public do not need to know about teenagers called Ivan and Orla having to make do with Edinburgh University after being rejected by Oxford.

“Or why it is acceptable to send your kid to private school if the local comprehensive doesn’t cater to their uniqueness.

“There are cases of people with genuine, real-life problems becoming physically ill after reading 1,200 word space-fillers about whether sausages are inherently misogynist.

“Many Guardian readers expect serious news reporting with a liberal-left slant, but instead find themselves being asked to consider purchasing a £500 hardwood hammock to put in the massive garden they are assumed to own.”

Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger defended the paper’s freedom to publish articles about issues affecting middle-class freelance journalists.

He said: “The Guardian has a proud tradition of campaigning journalism. However we also have a tradition of catering to readers worried that buying their four-year-old daughter a miniature plastic cooker reinforces patriarchy.

“Problem is, our readers only ever read the first two paragraphs of a story about Palestine before skipping to something about barge holidays.

“However we may cut back on articles by American feminists making incredibly obscure points about political correctness. Even I’m getting sick of those.”

Last night members of the Special Branch raided the Guardian’s offices and removed an archive of articles about people who work for charities going on blind dates.