Gwyneth Paltrow’s Marriage Over, Say Her Knees

GWYNETH Paltrow’s four-year marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is over, the Hollywood star’s knees revealed last night.

According to the knees, the pair will announce a split within days with Paltrow blaming Martin’s unreasonably high voice and his inability to grow a proper man’s beard.

The actress and her knees have been inseparable in recent weeks with the highly visible leg joints accompanying her to premieres of her new film Iron Man while husband Chris was nowhere to be seen.

One friend said: "He's never liked her knees. Especially after they told her to steer clear of him 'cause he's a donkey-faced bedwetter who yodels like an Austrian pervert.

"But she loves them. It was her knees that got her back on her feet after her split with Brad."

Nikki Hollis, a celebrity marriage analyser, said high hemlines and bare knees were often the first outward sign that a star couple’s relationship was on the rocks.

She said: "For years you would not have known she had knees, it’s been long dresses or those horrible three-quarter combats that make you look like a deformed dwarf.

"Suddenly she’s out every night dressed as a stripper while he’s at home growing muesli in his bum fluff and looking like a smelly tramp.

"People used to think it was all made-up about Charles and Diana, but go and look at that photograph from the Taj Mahal and tell me what you see: knees."

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Rich People Very Happy

NEW research has revealed that Britain's rich people are happier than ever, thank you for asking.

With the cost of living spiralling upwards and a recession looming, the Sunday Times published a long list of people who have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Top of the list for the third year in a row is Indian steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal, who uses people like you as pins in his giant underground bowling alley.

Hans Rausing, whose family firm invented a range of novelty key rings, is now worth £5.4 billion and sits around all day rubbing swan fat into his thighs.

His spokesman said last night: "A recession can be devastating if you don't have a tremendous amount of money. Have you thought about cheering yourself up with a novelty key ring? This one looks like a Womble."

But not all the millionaires have enjoyed a good year. Sir Paul McCartney's last album was an abomination, while retail tycoon Sir Philip Green has seen his fortune slip by around £100 million, fuelling speculation that he may have to stop flushing his toilets with petrol.

Meanwhile Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has unveiled plans to spend £500 million building the world's ghastliest house. 

The 4000 square foot London mansion will be modelled on the government building where he used to work before he bought a controlling interest in a state-owned gas company for £12.50.

The home will be guarded by 72 lap dancers each armed with a leopard, while overnight guests will be woken by Charlotte Church singing Pie Jesu while dressed as a naughty angel.