Heart-throbs of your youth you'd still do now

SOME celebrities have aged so badly you wonder how they ever ended up on your bedroom wall. But some have earned the accolade of still being totally shaggable by a nobody like you. Such as these.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Those eyes you lost yourself in during your obsessive rewatchings of the Romeo and Juliet fish tank scene are just as alluring now as they were then. Now the only thing standing in your way is the fact you’re over 25. Oh, and not a supermodel. 

Sharon Stone

It’s a long time since the parting-legs shot from Basic Instinct, but Sharon’s still got it, just about. And thanks to DVDs and the internet there’s no need to knacker your VHS recorder to pathetically watch a split second of muff.

Ronan Keating 

Love me for a reason, let the reason be the fact you’re still looking dang fine in your mid-40s, Ronan. Check out a poster of his ‘Twenty Twenty’ tour and you’ll soon be pleasuring yourself to Ronan, although possibly not Boyzone’s stream of insipid granny-pleasing hits. 

Jennifer Anniston 

Yes, her face is mostly made of magic these days but whatever works. If you ever got the chance to prove yourself a more athletic and competent lover than Brad Pitt, you’d be mad to turn that challenge down.

Antonio Banderas 

His smokin’ hot accent remains untouched by 30 years of acting in English. Not that he puts it on a bit. No way. And yes, his face may be looking a little puffy, but it’s nothing that wearing the mask of Zorro in the bedroom won’t fix. 

Sarah Michelle Gellar 

If that swimsuit selfie is anything to go by, Buffy the vampire slayer still very much has what it takes to slay. Sure, she’s been happily married for 20 years but who in their right mind would choose Freddie Prinze Jr over you? You may not be rich and famous, but at least you weren’t in Scooby Doo 2.

Will Smith 

Not only is Will still looking as fresh-faced and cheeky as in his Independence Day heyday, the Oscars show us he’s also exploring a new passionate/violent side. He’s definitely keeping things fresh, like the Prince of Bel-Air, but he probably gets in a huff if you say things like that.

Ewan McGregor 

Almost 20 years on, he’s looking better than he did in his Trainspotting days and you even kind of fancied him then. He’s recently slipped back into his Obi-Wan Kenobi robes and you’d be happy to play with his lightsaber anytime. Meaning his penis. A laser sword that can cut through anything probably needs months of basic safety training alone.

Nicole Kidman

Rock-shaped or pear-shaped, she certainly hasn’t lost her shape… Okay so there’s something a little creepy and waxworky about her face, but it’s nothing you couldn’t overlook. She’s probably got some hilarious post-coital anecdotes about Tom Cruise too, and who could ask for more than that?

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Man traumatised by co-worker who actually does want something from shop

A MAN who asked whether anyone in the office fancied anything from the shop was left devastated when somebody said they did.

Administrator Joe Turner was popping to the nearby Tesco Express when he asked colleagues if they wanted anything – assuming they would all understand it was a completely hollow, insincere gesture.

But his world was flipped upside down when one, Wayne Hayes, had the audacity to request a can of Diet Coke and a Wispa.

Mr Turner, 35, said: “Everyone’s supposed to know that’s a completely meaningless, insincere question. Of course I wasn’t actually offering to get anyone something from the f**king shop. It’s just one of those things you say to be polite.

“Wayne had the gall to ask for two separate things, like I’m his bloody personal assistant. And the bastard didn’t even have any cash on him. He said he’d pay me back, but I just know I’m never seeing that £1.80 again.

“It’s a flagrant breach of unspoken social rules. It’s like when you ask a mate if they want a hand moving house. You’re not meant to say yes to that sort of thing. It’s just bad manners.”

Hayes said he has no plans to reimburse Turner’s £1.80 for the purchase that same day, despite both men having access to internet banking.

He added: “I know about the unspoken social rules. I know I wasn’t really meant to ask for anything. I just fancied some chocolate and hatched a brilliant, devious plan to save myself a tiny amount of effort.”