How Britain's richest people will be spending their £400 fuel rebate

THE £400 fuel rebate will be helping not just the poor but the super-rich get through winter. Here’s how they plan to spend it: 

Ofgem chief executive Jonathan Brearley

‘I’ve always wanted noise-cancelling headphones, so when my rebate comes in I’m going to invest in a top-of-the-range Bose pair. They’ll filter out the incessant whine of the public who don’t understand how price caps work.’

The Queen

‘As a tribute to my mother, who I lost 20 years ago, I’ll put £100 on Fandango Sunrise to win in the 2.40 at Kempton, £200 on Thunderbolt Hall each way in the 3.50, £80 on an acca at Ascot and £20 on scratchcards. It’s what she would have wanted.’

Akshata Murphy, wife of Rishi Sunak

‘It is nothing to me. It is like Britain, like shit. But Rishi is only a millionaire, so I have booked him a spa session for after his inevitable loss. Then we leave forever.’

Mike Ashley, Sports Direct owner

‘I’m buying a Sports Direct mug so large I can swim in it. At the end of a motivational work event, it’ll be filled with lager and I’ll dive in and drink the entire thing before letting out a massive, tooth-rattling burp. Then I’ll fire 200 staff, chosen at random.’

James Dyson, entrepreneur

‘I find money inspiring, and £400 seems the right price for a premium Dyson product. I’ll create a cyclonic frisbee, which hovers on a cushion of air and flies 600ft, and market it as this year’s must-have Christmas present. It’ll be a tribute to British innovation manufactured in Singapore.’

Jacob Rees-Mogg, member for North East Somerset

‘A new government must focus on what matters to the British people, so it is crucial that I invest in a monocle. Crafted in solid silver with a hand-ground lens, it will endow me with gravitas and bearing. I will leave the £400 as a tip.’

Ed Sheeran, musician

‘I’ll get a new car, I think – perhaps a Honda Civic with a few thousand miles on the clock and a 1.8 engine so it’s got a bit of oomph. And if you’re thinking £400 won’t be enough, you’re right, but remember I’ve got 27 homes and get that rebate for each of them.’

Chris O’Shea, boss of British Gas’s owner Centrica

‘I’m not actually one of Britain’s richest people. £775,000 a year is meagre compared to most of these people. So I’ll buy the world’s smallest violin and play it while I sob myself to sleep.’

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Six wild sexual fetishes of nice, well-dressed, smiling people

THE only reason kindly, good-mannered people are quite so pleasant is because they secretly participate in daring, filthy sex acts. These are their shocking exploits: 

Erotic clowning

He keeps it quiet, but your sweet, elderly colleague Paul? Loves to dress up in full red-nosed, multi-coloured clown gear and blow balloons into phallic shapes before shooting juggling balls out of his orifices. The custard pie in the face is exactly what you think. Remember that when he asks how your weekend was.


Little do you know, your kindly local greengrocer and his wife play out a regular fantasy where she leads him around his local M&S in a gimp suit and black leather leash. Doing his weekly charcuterie order through an over-tightened ball gag keeps things spicier than dry-cured chorizo.


Not content with the usual flogging and whipping, your cheery best mate from school who’s so friendly at five-a-side regularly participates in a very kinky act involving genitalia and the sharp edge of 300gsm white paper. Goes through a ream a week. Won’t be tackling him now, will you?

Hardcore foraging

Your mum’s boring friend Susan? She got a little too into ‘wild living’ during lockdown and now regularly searches the Wiltshire countryside for fungi shaped like a big throbbing cock and balls. Then she takes it home and, well, she has a dedicated audience on OnlyFans, put it that way.

Helium ballooning

That nice woman who walks her Labradoodle past your house and always says ‘Hello’? You wouldn’t want to hear what she says at home, while she forces her husband to inhale helium from party balloons while he takes a bloody hard rogering from behind with a strap-on. No, you wouldn’t want to hear that at all.


Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the thing that your parents are into is so filthy that it can’t be printed here. All we can say is that there’s a reason they were smiling so much in that picture they sent you from their holiday in Devon. The 87-year-old in the cottage next door sold it and moved to Middlesbrough, out of sheer shame.