I Would Only Use Adidas Prostitutes, Says Beckham

DAVID Beckham has angrily denied claims he slept with a prostitute insisting he could only ever be unfaithful to his wife with a contractually branded tart.

The England superstar has been hit by accusations he enjoyed a triangulated romp in a New York hotel without the consent of Adidas, Motorola or David Beckham by Giorgio Armani.

Beckham has now launched a legal action against a US magazine, insisting he has never entered into a sexual intercourse arrangement with any woman other than his officially sponsored wife.

A source close to the 35 year-old LA Galaxy marketing strategy said: “I just can’t see David having sex with a prostitute, because the prostitute would have to pay him for endorsing her vulva.

“And even then there would have to lengthy consultations with his management team about which holes were used, a watertight penetration contract and Adidas would insist on having lots of complex insurance policies in case he falls off half way through and does his cruciate ligament again.

“And of course there would also have to be a five year global copyright agreement covering any grainy, CCTV images of his naked, heaving buttocks.”

The source added: “I can see him doing a TV ad for Adidas where he’s at a trendy sex party with lots of other celebrities in a Manhattan loft.

“And I’m sure he would do something with Motorola if they ever get round to releasing their 4G bluetooth prostitute.

“But it would be very tasteful. All black and white and shimmering thighs with a slogan like ‘Intercourse. Everywhere.”


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BBC May Be Forced To Shoot Chris Moyles

THE BBC has warned that if Chris Moyles keeps coming to work, they may be forced to shoot him.

The corporation has not paid the Radio One morning oaf for the last two months in the hope that he would just stop turning up and there would be no need for an unpleasant scene.

But Moyles has surprised BBC executives by coming in five days a week and stubbornly refusing to stop being his dreadful, inexplicable self.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “There does seem to have been a strategic shift in the BBC’s thinking in that last year they thought Chris Moyles was great and offered him huge amounts of money which they then paid to him on a monthly basis, whereas as this year they do seem to have realised that was utterly fucking moronic.

“Hopefully this is just the first phase in a programme of not paying any of the people on radio or televison and eventually the BBC will become what it should always have been – David Attenborough repeats, really good American films from the 1970s and an upper-middle class man reading out the news.”

He added: “If, for some horrifying reason, people insist on having Radio One then maybe it could just be a series of popular songs that are not being constantly interrupted by a dreary, talentless child.

“But if the proles still need to hear something between the songs then you could always have a recording of a small boy shitting himself or a group of half pissed 22 year-old men laughing at a deranged transvestite on YouTube.”

A BBC spokesman said: “We’ll give it another week or two and then we’re going to hire a hit man to take him down in the car park. If we get a gay one they’ll probably do it for free.”

He added: “We don’t know whether to ‘send him a message’ by wounding him in the thigh or simply aim for the middle of his chest and end this thing once and for all.

“Perhaps we could have a phone vote and announce the results during the midweek Lottery draw.”