If I see a washing machine in a kitchen I vomit all over the floor, says Kirstie Allsopp

KIRSTIE Allsopp has admitted that if she sees a washing machine in a kitchen she vomits all over the floor and will not apologise. 

The Location, Location, Location presenter, responsible for approximately 20 per cent of Britain’s housing crisis, said she cannot be expected to keep her lunch down when people behave like ‘filthy fucking animals’.

She added: “In the kitchen? In a food preparation area? Were these monsters raised in some kind of serial-killing cult?

“What are they going to do next, put a toilet in the bathroom? Is there no end to their depravity?

“A washing machine should be tucked discreetly away in a utility room, for the lady of the house to use at her convenience and where her cries of delight will go unheard.

“And, of course, it should never be used to wash clothes. That’s what dry cleaners are for.”

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Tom Waits 'early favourite' to be new voice of Kermit the Frog

THE actor and singer-songwriter Tom Waits has emerged as the frontrunner to be the new voice of Muppet-in-chief, Kermit the Frog.

As the previous voice actor stepped down after 25 years in the role, Muppet bosses said the creator of Swordfishtrombones and star of The Outsiders could ‘refresh’ the much loved children’s character.

A spokesman for the Muppets said: “Some may say Tom’s voice is ‘grizzled’ or perhaps ‘utterly terrifying’. We think it’s filled with life experience.

“Kermit is now 62-years-old and maybe it is time for him to sound like a frog who has ‘seen things’. The Rainbow Connection has layers – as you could be about to discover.”

A spokesman for Waits said: “The next Muppet movie could feature ‘Kermit’ performing Tom’s classic song Pasties and a G String.

“The film would be about hunting for a horde of ancient treasure that’s hidden under a strip club.”