'I'm Just Like Any Other Millionaire Soldier Who Can Come Home Whenever He Wants'

ROYAL hero Prince Harry has spoken of his relief at being treated like an ordinary soldier who can come home whenever he feels like it.

The Prince said he will now be able to look other soldiers in the eye when he is inspecting them and asking them what they do.

And he spoke of his satisfaction at being able to walk into the officers' mess, point to the portrait of the Queen, and say: "That's my gran, not yours."

The young millionaire said he now wants the government to engineer a war with Spain so he can fulfill his lifelong ambition of killing a Spaniard with his bare hands.

The Prince said: "I have enjoyed greatly the opportunity to kill people in Afghanistan. But now I would like to kill people a little closer to home.

"My grandfather has always wanted me to kill a Spaniard in hand to hand combat. I trust the prime minister will now oblige me."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: "At all times our military strategy is guided by the wishes of a 23 year-old millionaire trying to make up for getting pissed and dressing like a Nazi.

"It is our duty to ensure Prince Harry gets the chance to squeeze the life out of a Spaniard, even if we have to to tear up the Nato treaty and plunge Europe into years of pointless carnage."

Meanwhile, there was jubilation on London's Fulham Road where bar owners have been forced to lay off staff since trade collapsed two months ago.

A spokesman for Boujis nightclub said: "If he's only killing Spaniards it means he can still nip home at weekends for a skinful."

The MoD spokesman added: "This will lead inevitably to a change of tactics in Afghanistan, as the entire aparatus of the British Army will no longer be geared to protecting someone who isn't there."

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GPs Urge Government To Confirm Online Banking Details

DOCTORS are urging the government to confirm its online banking details before account access is suspended.

Local GPs and consultants have been sending a series of increasingly urgent emails to the Treasury this week warning that account security has been compromised and advising them to act now.

A BMA spokesman said: "We started off with a friendly note about an online banking survey, but it escalated quickly to a full-scale warning to reactivate the account.

"I think next time we'll try and sell them the secret of how to make $62,000 a week by working from home."

A Treasury spokesman said: "It's reassuring that they have acted so quickly to warn us of the potential security threats.

"Although I have to say the poor spelling provides shocking evidence of the damage done to our education system by Tony Blair and his fancy friends.

"One of the emails was addressed 'Dear Valude Custommer'. I expect the prime minister will want to review that."

The BMA spokesman added: "We expect to start draining the money this afternoon. Hopefully we'll have made off with about £2 billion by tea time."