AS a rugged action hero, I f**king hate it when one of the lads hoofs the ball over a fence. Here’s how I retrieve what’s rightfully mine while minimising the death count:
Acknowledge the loss and make preparations
That ball was dear to you, now it’s gone. Keep your face expressionless in a way that allows viewers to see your deep, smouldering anger. Arm yourself with whatever water bottles, protein bars and other weapons you’ll need. Put your hood up and leave for your mission. Glance back. Say nothing.
Discover the location and make polite enquiries
As ex-special forces, you know where the ball went. But do recon. Smear mud on your face and hi-viz training bib. Stop passers-by and ask, aggressively, for them to identify the the location of the ball from a picture of it. If they deny knowledge, drown them by ramming water bottles in their mouths and holding their noses closed.
Survey the hideout and take pre-emptive action
Mysteriously appear on the roof of the house where you suspect the ball is. Identify the homeowner as the primary perpetrator. Slip down a drainpipe in shadow. Systematically eliminate accomplices of the ball abductor and nosey neighbours. Strangle with hosepipes, crush with plastic chairs, and force gnomes up them.
Extract the ball
By now local law enforcement will have been alerted. Confront the kidnapper and demand your ball back. When he denies knowledge, tell him you don’t ask twice, break his fingers and bury a trowel in his groin. He’ll get the ball now. When he does strangle him with goalie gloves, leaving a pimple effect but no prints.
Discover the depth of the conspiracy
But wait. That isn’t your ball. There are multiple balls, some taken from children in low-income communities. Hotwiring his car, you speed back to five-a-side where all your teammates are dead, apparently from illegal slide tackles. The other side has gone. It was a ruse and you fell for it. Stare hard. Be ready to inflict death.
The final showdown
Arrive at the headquarters of the global ball-stealing conspiracy. Kill the ninjas on reception, quipping ‘Early bath for you lads’. Face off against Mr Big, played by former referee Howard Webb. Use your ball to absorb his deadly blows, and when he shouts ‘It’s all over for you!’ slit his throat with a red card and say, deadpan. ‘It is now.’ Job done. Release straight to streaming.
