FINALLY tempted someone off the apps to a real-life date, then spotted a genuine stunner across the bar? Use these tips to keep the one you have until you trade up:
“Let me just check the car parking”
You’ve only just sat down so it’s no big deal when you pretend panic and nip to check you’ve put three hours on the meter. Shows you’re a careful guy who plans ahead. Use the opportunity to strut past the hottie twice, making firm eye contact on your return. Look back over your shoulder.
“Ah, sorry, this is my mother texting”
Everyone’s phone is now permanently silent, so it’s easy to feign this. Explain mum is elderly – well, 53 – and excuse yourself to call about her medications. Return within minutes, looking calm and self-assured because you were right, the girl was into it and now she’s got your number. Try not to reply “Medications? Oh right, yeah,” back at the table.
“Ah, you’ve got something in your teeth”
The presumptuous bitch you’re dating ordered a starter, leaves herself vulnerable to this. While she rushes off return to the gorgeous one and suggest you forgot the phone numbers, embrace spontaneity and do something real. Then rush back to your table when you catch your date emerging from the bathroom.
“Fire safety procedures are so absorbing”
Running out of lies, you claim to be so concerned about a possible fire you need to study the safety plan at length. Explain it shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes to memorise muster stations. Then go back to your new sexual obsession and share your hopes, dreams and a bottle of Chardonnay.
“Excuse me. I appear to be suffering from acute appendicitis”
If the original date hasn’t got the message, double up in white-faced pain and say ‘oh God, I think I need to go to A&E, order yourself an Uber, don’t worry I’ll settle the bill’. Then ghost as standard and return to the babe in triumph only to discover she’s f**king gone. Ah well, you shot your shot.
