JESUS has returned as a sawfish, spreading his gospel and digging out crustaceans.
Scientists were amazed to discover sawfish can reproduce non-sexually and using only the Holy Spirit, and admitted that they thought Jesus would have come back as a person or at least a butterfly.
Jesus the carpenter shark, born to an untouched mother, travels the Florida estuaries with his 12 followers teaching them to kill stuff with the big saw on their faces.
Disciple Roy Hobbs, also a sawfish, said: “Before I met him I was a humble fisherman, much as I am today but about five miles west.
“But he showed me the light and the way to dig mussels out of the sand using my saw snout then kill them, again using the saw snout.
“He did try a couple of parables that weren’t about having a big saw on your face, but he lost the audience so it’s back to what you know.”
The sawfish messiah is persecuted by people who want to kill him, and then nail him up over their fireplace alongside a wooden replica of his human predecessor.