Jesus back as a fish

JESUS has returned as a sawfish, spreading his gospel and digging out crustaceans.

Scientists were amazed to discover sawfish can reproduce non-sexually and using only the Holy Spirit, and admitted that they thought Jesus would have come back as a person or at least a butterfly.

Jesus the carpenter shark, born to an untouched mother, travels the Florida estuaries with his 12 followers teaching them to kill stuff with the big saw on their faces.

Disciple Roy Hobbs, also a sawfish, said: “Before I met him I was a humble fisherman, much as I am today but about five miles west.

“But he showed me the light and the way to dig mussels out of the sand using my saw snout then kill them, again using the saw snout.

“He did try a couple of parables that weren’t about having a big saw on your face, but he lost the audience so it’s back to what you know.”

The sawfish messiah is persecuted by people who want to kill him, and then nail him up over their fireplace alongside a wooden replica of his human predecessor.

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Sturgeon suggests Scotland could somehow become angrier

SCOTLAND is still not as angry as it could be, Nicola Sturgeon has claimed.

The Scottish first minister dismissed suggestions that the country already seemed to be in a state of constant, blazing fury, adding: “This is nothing.

“This is a fancy little picnic with cherry tomatoes and those tiny wee pork pies. This is polite conversation.”

Sturgeon warned: “Under the right circumstances, that genteel picnic could easily become a hellish symphony of horrifyingly graphic swearwords that would make a bare-knuckle boxer wet himself, burst into tears and then faint.”

Psychologist Martin Bishop said: “This has come as something of a surprise.”

Sturgeon added: “Imagine, if you will, a sort of ‘ginger Hulk’. Its clothes in tatters, it will rip the top off of Big Ben and throw it at Nelson’s Column before disappearing into a forest.”