Jimmy Savile 'presented Jim'll Fix It'

LEGENDARY sexual deviant Jimmy Savile presented a television programme called Jim’ll Fix It, it has emerged.

Britain was reeling last night after a shocking documentary revealed that the grubby child abuser was a popular TV presenter and disc jockey.

Helen Archer from Peterborough said: “I had no idea this horrifying sexual predator was on TV nearly every week for 30 years.

“Surely someone at the BBC must have noticed that?”

Archer said she was also horrified by the revelations that Savile smoked very big cigars.

She added: “I only hope he didn’t smoke them in that mind-bogglingly fucked-up shrine to his mother.”

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster said: “I suppose if we had looked long enough into those truly terrifying eyes we would have realised that he enjoyed tobacco and was a Radio One DJ.

“Of course he ran all those marathons so he would become an unimpeachable national treasure able to indulge his depraved sexual desires. But that was the Jimmy Savile we all knew and were totally weirded-out by.”

He added: “In a way I’m not surprised to hear that he presented Jim’ll Fix It and smoked cigars, though to be honest, I was expecting something much, much worse.

“Possibly involving an attic. Or a dungeon.”



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Offices celebrate absence of golf bores

WORKPLACES have become far less tedious thanks to Ryder cup-related leave, it has emerged.

With the average golf fan normally in bed by 10pm with a mug of hot chocolate and a Len Deighton novel, three days of post-midnight coverage has resulted in many golfists taking impromptu holiday or simply falling asleep at their desks.

This has triggered a sharp fall in workplace conversations about mortgage rates, instances of halitosis and poorly executed attempts at sexual innuendo.

Office manager Wayne Hayes said: “Roy phoned up this morning muttering about something called a poulter, which I can only assume is one of the sticks they use in the hobby, before saying he was going to work from home.

“It’s been bliss not having to listen to him humming Mumford & Sons while stinking out of the place with his Lynx Africa. When they have the tournament in Scotland in 2014, I’m hoping they play at two in the morning on floodlit pitches, or whatever the fuck they’re called.”

Cans of supermarket-brand bitter were raised in celebration across the country last night as Europe came first in the tournament with two teams in it.

Their win of 14.5 golfs to USA’s 13.5 was rated ‘extremely exciting’ by fans.

Meanwhile, news footage of the victorious, tearful European side confused many television viewers, who assumed a sales conference had just been informed of Top Gear’s cancellation.