YOU never forget your first love, especially if she’s on TV singing Eternal Flame because she’s the lead singer of The Bangles. Here are more old crushes you’d get a divorce for.
Susanna Hoffs
You tell yourself you’re over her. After all, you’re a grown man with a mortgage. Yet, flicking through the channels, you come to TOTP2 and soon you’re coming to TOTP2. You’d walk to America to meet her. And you would walk like an Egyptian.
Joanne Whalley
Better known as Val Kilmer’s ex-wife and your current wife. But only in your dreams. You rewatch her role as Christine Keeler in Scandal and reflect that bringing down a government would be well worth it to have an affair with her. Frankly you’d be up for getting psoriasis if she could be your nurse in The Singing Detective.
Wendy James
The lead singer of Transvision Vamp allowed nerdy, sensitive, hormonal readers of Melody Maker to fancy a blonde bombshell in an appropriately ironic, feminist way. ‘I want your love,’ she sang. Well, she’s still got it. You might even listen to some of her songs. That’s devotion.
Jet from Gladiators
You only replay old episodes of Gladiators out of genuine appreciation for Jet, Lightning and Panther’s ‘athleticism’. The ratings-guaranteeing tits and lycra combo is nothing to do with it. Ah, Jet. How easily she could throw you across the room and then pin your arms down as she sits astride you. Your wife is going to be a while at the hairdresser’s, you decide.
Jenny Powell
At one time a regular on Loose Women – if only – yet more famous for her stint on Wheel of Fortune. However her true claim to fame was No Limits. Never before has a crappy yoof-oriented magazine show about tourist attractions in Winchester and Tenby resulted in so much unrequited love. And wanking.
Clare Grogan
The Scottish pop star found fame in Gregory’s Girl, in which she was inexplicably Gregory’s second choice. Wanker. Clare is still achingly cool, and while you like to think you’d have charmed her back then, there’s a strong chance you’d have panicked, said something idiotic and spent decades reliving it whenever you heard Happy Birthday.
Mia Sara
AKA the girlfriend from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, a DVD which constitutes your entire collection. You’d happily nick your best friend’s dad’s car in order to drive off with her, even now. Which would result in a very strange arrest situation. Unless the cops were middle-aged blokes carrying a hopeless historical torch too.
