Jordan's writers to kill off Alex Reid

THE writing team behind Jordan is considering killing Alex Reid amid
concerns the story is becoming too complex for its target

In the current storyline, the model has ditched her cross-dressing cage fighter husband after she intimidated his sperm, clearing the way for a new male lead, probably a boxer.

But her writers fear it was a mistake to keep a second ex-partner alive.

Script supervisor, Wayne Hayes, said: “We decided to keep Alex around so we could maybe do a sub-plot involving a failed transvestite heist with Essex gangsters.

“But with a new Peter Andre love story and a Kerry Katona revelation planned for next week, we’ve simply got too many balls in the air.

“Plus he was never a popular character in the first place, except with small children and sexually confused bouncers.”

The team are now discussing a number of death options.

Hayes added: “We’ve got this idea that Jordan turns her house into a sort of personal wildlife park for Harvey, with genetically-tweaked pink grass.

“Broken-hearted Alex scales the perimeter fence with a bunch of daffodils and a mid-sized box of Terry’s All Gold, but his stiletto gets hooked in the mesh and he ends up dangling helplessly upside down while timber wolves tear at his liver.

“It certainly has impact and could help pull in pet food sponsors.”

The Jordan concept was created in 1979 by a shadowy group of stocky elderly men known only as ‘The Sigil’, who make everything from electrical tape to perfume and are above the law.


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Sobbing NHS moves back in with mother

HEARTBROKEN sort-of-health service the NHS has admitted that the Tories have been knocking it about again.

The bruised superbug farm had been wooed by promises that the angry and abusive political party had really changed this time and learned how to treat it right. After an unsuccessful relationship with Labour, many think that it was feeling especially vulnerable.

NHS friend, Nikki Hollis, said: “It’s been wearing long sweaters for months but when I asked it why it never went out any more it just fell to pieces and said that Andrew Lansley shouted that it had been asking for a fucking kicking for the last 60 years.

“Apparently he came home from a cabinet meeting one night and went berserk, calling it a ‘useless, lazy bitch’ and asking why it couldn’t be more like BUPA. Then he started rifling through its purse and accused it of spending all his money.

“The NHS said that all it ever wanted to do was make him feel better and that it would try and get slimmer if that’s what he wanted but when it looked into his eyes it was obvious he wasn’t going to stop until it was dead.”

Relationship counsellor Roy Hobbs said: “The classic pattern of the abuser is to make their victim feel worthless, uncompetitive in the modern marketplace and not as good as the French equivalent.

“And the Lib Dems are acting as enablers, trying to eschew responsibility for the abuse by saying they’ve done everything they can to stop them.”

Prime minister David Cameron said: “The NHS is a dozy cow that can’t look after itself or even cook a decent dinner. But I still love it.”