A NEW crackdown on alcohol pricing suggests ministers still think you get shitfaced because of money.
The coalition has drawn up detailed plans to introduce a minimum price for alcohol after not bothering to find out what people are actually like.
The new laws are a first step in the government’s bid to tackle Britain’s fondness for the sweet, sweet booze that makes you feel warm and fuzzy as the stress of your bullshit job just melts away into a river of fermented yumminess.
A spokesman for the department of health said: “We made a graph that shows how the price is inversely proportional to the fuzzy yumminess.”
But Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies explained: “The centre of London is full of young people who have decided not to have expensive, complicated children so that they can continue to afford Stella Artois at Â£3.70 a pint.
“The piss you invariably find yourself ankle deep in on a Friday night in Soho is already outrageously expensive.
“Meanwhile the middle class couples in Twickenham and Barnes who have put their children to bed and are now draining bottle after bottle of nicely chilled white are not just necking any old shit like it’s going out of fashion, thank you very much.
“Wouldn’t it be interesting if the government asked why you yearn for the gentle bosom of inebriation instead of trying to build a dam with some Angel Delight?”
Tom Logan, chief economist at Madeley Finnegan, added: “If you raise the price what will happen is that big drinks companies like Diageo will make more money, supermarkets will make more money and the government will make more money. You can take that to the bank and cash it.
“So if, at this point, you still can’t work out what’s actually going on here then it really doesn’t matter if you’re constantly hammered.”