Saturday, 8th May 2021

Kate Middleton on Mary Berry show after Tory win sees middle England orgasm itself into catatonia

THE Duchess of Cambridge on A Berry Royal Christmas days after a landslide Tory win made middle England come so hard it has fried its brains. 

Middle Englanders were already in a state of dangerous arousal after Boris Johnson’s victory, and Berry’s use of a mild cake-related innuendo in front of the future Queen made them orgasm so powerfully they can no longer do anything but sit drooling in floral armchairs.

Shaken Eleanor Shaw of Guildford said: “I only left the room for a moment to make my parents tea, hoping it would cool them down from their unprecedented post-election smugness high.

“All I could hear were the moans of ‘Kate!’ “Kate!’ ‘Oooh Kate!’ from the front room as I scrambled to get the Hob-Nobs before they reached fever pitch.

“But I was too late. Mary Berry said ‘Would you like to squirt on the cake?’ and they erupted in terrifying twin howls for their first, and last, mutual orgasm ever.

“I rushed back in. Their beige clothing was soaked from the waist down, their eyes rolled back in their heads. They no longer respond to stimuli. They came their brains out.”