Tuesday, 7th July 2020

How to ruin Christmas with forced fun

CHRISTMAS is a time of goodwill and frivolity. But it doesn’t have to be. Here’s how to ruin it with forced fun.

Take Secret Santa seriously
Suck what little fun there was out of Secret Santa by running it like a dictator. Inspect receipts to make sure nobody went over budget, make participants swear not to reveal who had who, and ensure gifts are opened in a quiet, regimented order.

Meet up with friends from school
Can’t remember why you drifted apart from childhood friends you never really had anything in common with? Arrange to meet up for an awkward Christmas meal and the stilted conversation will remind you in no time.

Organise a Christmas jumper day
Insist everyone in your workplace has to wear a hideous Christmas-themed jumper which they will have to go out and buy especially and are certain to bin the next day. Drag out the misery by taking photos of your joyless team and sharing them via a company wide email nobody will open.

Uphold forgotten traditions
Forget putting silver coins in the Christmas pudding, really turn Christmas into a chore by demanding everyone opens their presents after dinner because that’s what you did as a kid and now you’re bringing it back for some reason.

Scold anyone who isn’t in a festive mood
If someone looks down in the dumps, cheerfully call them out on their bullshit by saying “that’s not very Christmassy” then laugh to mask the fury coursing through your veins.