"Are you sure you don't want a plastic-free Christmas?" middle class parents ask children

ANXIOUS middle class parents are making a last ditch bid to sell the idea of a plastic-free Christmas to their children.

Nathan and Kate Muir are disappointed their children are still demanding plastic toys and games like filthy working-class children.

Kate said: “We’ve tried everything to convince them otherwise, from saying there’s a risk that Rudolph could choke on plastic waste to threatening to report them to Greta Thunberg.

“So you can imagine how sad I was to see a Frozen 2 Elsa doll and a Lego set on their letters to Santa. Not only are they bad for the environment but they’re completely gender typical and incredibly expensive.

“When I was a girl I got a Barbie and a pair of jelly shoes, but the early ‘90s were a different time. That was before I’d walked past an Extinction Rebellion protest march and downloaded The Guardian app.”

Three-year-old son Tom Muir said: “Just give me the equivalent cash value and we’ll call it quits, yeah?”

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Taylor Swift to headline Glastonbury with Jacob Rees-Mogg

THE Glastonbury Festival has confirmed its 2020 headliners are Taylor Swift and Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Swift will perform an hour-long set on the Pyramid Stage on the Sunday night before the festival is closed by the North East Somerset MP singing a selection of his favourite hymns.

Rees-Mogg said: “As MP for the neighbouring constituency, I have been anticipating an invitation to the Glastonbury Festival for some time and am finally delighted to accept.

“I am intrigued to discover if Miss Swift is descended from Jonathan Swift, the author of Gulliver’s Travels, who in 1729 wrote the fascinating essay A Modest Proposal, in which he suggested that starving Irish peasants should sell their children as food to the English aristocracy.

“The liberal elite have claimed the essay was somehow satirical, whereas I have always felt it to be an immensely practical solution.

“Indeed, I have suggested that Britain’s hungry poor should likewise consider selling their children to the manufacturers of something called ‘nuggets’.

“It is currently under consideration by the Department for Work and Pensions.”