'I wasn't drunk, I only had two drinks' says woman who was hammered off two drinks

A WOMAN who was absolutely leathered after two glasses of wine has asserted that she could not have been drunk because she only had two glasses of wine. 

Donna Sheridan necked both glasses in an hour and spent the rest of the Christmas do staggering around, insulting colleagues, demanding people dance and sharing slurred confidences.

She said: “Yes, I’m only five foot tall and never have a drink except at Christmas, but that’s irrelevant. I was perfectly sober when I told Frank the security guard I bet he had a big cock.

“I danced on a table because I like to have fun, unlike the rest of you boring farts as I believe I said at the time. You don’t have to be drunk to tell Jackie from PR about the threesome you had to save your first marriage then burst into tears.

“I was merry, that’s all. Of course it wasn’t a surprise when I woke up in Frank’s bed this morning. That was a decision I made when I was fully in my right mind.”

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Somebody needs to tell Donna that ‘I was absolutely sh*tfaced’ is a much better excuse.”

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Five popular new hobbies under a Conservative majority

A NEW era of majority Conservative rule has begun, but how will you occupy yourself in the evenings now? Try these: 

Staring into the middle distance
Nothing like having a nice sit and a stare for hours and hours, wondering how we became a country without a functioning political opposition and what we do now. Sighs of despair optional but usually involuntary.

Peering hard at strangers wondering how they voted
An excellent workout for the facial muscles, this popular public activity keeps the mind busy  as you try to work out who on the bus, train or street voted for this dystopian nightmare and if you could kill them now and get away with it.

Screaming into pillows
Let it all out! Nothing like a cleansing howl to keep you going for the next five more years of this Tory Brexit sh*tshow without disturbing your landlord, who you’ll be paying forever.

Having a lie down on the floor
This doesn’t have to be at home; the workplace, the shops or the street are great places to suddenly collapse with all-encompassing despair. Try to avoid puddles and roads, unless the feelings are particularly unendurable.

Unfettered twattishness
Of course, you can always follow the example of our new prime minister and do whatever the f**k you what, whenever you want. Be a racist! Lie on a bus! Get a girl pregnant and run away! Hide in a fridge! Everything’s allowed now.