Lily Allen's Nose Contains 'Tiny Snowman Made By Gnomes'

THE white matter visible in Lily Allen's left nostril in a recent paparazzi photograph is a tiny snowman made by a family of gnomes who live up her nose, it was claimed last night.

A spokeswoman for the singer's PR company said the inside of Allen's nose is a self-contained magical world, like Narnia or the place in the Faraway Tree, which is home to a group of tiny gnomes called the Boggle Yips.

"Currently it is winter in the land of Lily's nose," she said, "and the little people, full of gnomish glee, have made a man out of snow. However, despite their small size they're quite clumsy with their hands and thus it turned out looking more like a medium-sized gak bogey.

"Despite having dabbled in the past, Lily is now resolutely anti-drugs, as are the Boggle Yips, who live in a quaint scale model of a cosy log cabin perched on top of her septum, where they mostly sit around a roaring fire drinking egg nog."

The spokeswoman said Allen was not the first of their celebrity clients to carry nostril-dwelling fantasy creatures whose mischievous activities can erroneously create the impression that they have just done a big line of beak.

She added: "Kate Moss has a couple of tiny white ponies running around up her nose. They are called Judy and Excalibur.

"Although Kate has long since turned her back on drugs, one of the ponies will occasionally poke its head out of her nostril in the hope that someone might give it a microscopic sugar cube. This happened recently when she was photographed coming out of the toilets at a fashion industry awards event.'

"To the untrained eye the tiny pure-white magical horse looks like a speck of semi-inhaled chop attached to a nasal hair. I bet it would be horrified if it knew.

Michael Jackson Dies In Shockingly Normal Fashion

MICHAEL Jackson, the King of Pop, shocked the world last night by dying in an incredibly ordinary way.

His millions of fans were stunned after the singer died of a very normal heart attack instead of electrocuting himself while re-enacting scenes from The Wizard of Oz with a cast of under-age giraffes.

The heart, Jackson's last original body part, was due to perform in London next month where it was expected to pump blood to a pair of new legs, a borrowed arm and the 14th version of the singer's face.

In Los Angeles, as preparations began for the funeral, a spokesman for the Jackson family said: "While we want to respect Michael's wishes we may have to abandon his desire to have the coffin carried by eight chimpanzees. I don't think he really thought that through."

But it is understood Jackson will be buried in his favourite Peter Pan costume in a bid to ensure that his last journey is as weird and freaky as possible.

Uri Geller, Jackson's friend and now acting King of the Freaks, said: "I feel so desperately sorry for all the freaks today. He was their Diana, their Elvis, their Mother Theresa and their Jade Goody all rolled into one. Which is actually what he looked like too. Check out this spoon."

In Hollywood dozens of other stars paid their tributes, describing him as a genius, an inspiration and the sort of very close friend you did not need to have your picture taken with.

Later today thousands of fans are expected to gather outside Neverland, the singer's former home and shout 'ee-hee' in unison, while in London, tabloid newspaper editors are bidding over a grainy image, supposedly taken this morning, showing Jackson still very much alive and part of a travelling band of Bulgarian circus folk.

Meanwhile at Madame Tussauds wax museum, security guards are standing by to prevent visitors poking the Michael Jackson statue amid rumours the singer had finally found the perfect hiding place.

On the internet, chat forums were awash with Jackson tributes from people who were convinced he was a pervert and wanted him strung up, but who were now desperate to tell the world that he was a victim of the media and that Thriller was a ground-breaking work of genius.

Jen, from Milwaukee, wrote: "As you said Michael, Billie Jean was not your lover and neither was Macaulay Culkin, regardless of what I may or may not have written on my blog four years ago. I hope you find peace in freak heaven."

Pete, from London, said: "The way you danced like a zombie changed the way people thought about dancing like a zombie forever. Rest in Pop."

And Sam, from Rio de Janeiro, added: "You were my heart. I love you sing. You make special times but now you in heaven with all the children. Try not feel them up. God can see your hands now."