DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide:
Aged 18-20
You’re a little young for 26-year-old Sabrina, but there isn’t the yawning 49-year gap between yourself and Madonna, which even boomers feel is a little wide. So it’s Carpenter for you, perhaps with use of a fake ID.
Aged 20-30
Ideal for Sabrina, being approximately the same age and finding the same memes iconic. She likes an actor, so join your local am-dram group and work your way up. However it never rains but it pours, because Madonna also enjoys a 20something like current partner Akeem Morris and the three before him. It would be wise to invest in lube.
Aged 30-40
Age-wise, a relationship with Sabrina would not raise any eyebrows. Apart from with her rabid online fans who would deem this ‘coercive control’ and stop at nothing to ruin your life. For 67-year-old Madge? A little old, if she’s honest. As long as you don’t bleat on about ‘settling down’ she’ll keep you around as a side piece.
Aged 40-50
At this point you’re in ‘I didn’t know you had a daughter!’ territory with Sabrina which, given Britain’s ongoing hysteria over paedophiles, isn’t great. To add insult to injury, you’re a wizened geriatric to Ms Ciccone. Yes, she should be at the garden centre not Berghain, but she’s chosen a different life.
Aged 50-60
It’s not happening with Sabrina. A terrible shame, because men in their 50s are some of her most devoted fans apart from the music. And Madonna? She’s insulted you’d even consider yourself worthy. As if you’d have the stamina for an eight-hour tantric bondage session. You’re not even a male model.
Aged 60-70
Even looking at Sabrina makes you tired. If she turned up at the door, all sexy? You’d think she was after your Werther’s Originals. Madonna? Ah, you remember her fondly from your wanking youth. Draw her into nostalgia about how outrageous she was and she might possibly break you out a handjob.
Aged 70+
Sex with Sabrina would kill you, and she wouldn’t feel great about it either. A twilight years care home romance with Madonna? Explain this is actually the most transgressive, shocking thing she could do and she’d be well up for it, provided you’re willing to squeeze into her Blonde Ambition corset. Playing the long game paid off.
