Men still have feelings for Gillian Anderson

BRITAIN’S men never really got over Gillian Anderson, it has emerged.

The timeless beauty has once again provoked widespread emotional incontinence among men who really thought they had moved on.

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “I’d thought about her less and less over the years. Just odd flashes of me and Gillian enjoying a romantic al fresco meal during an African safari trip that never happened.

“She’d retired from TV and made a film with Danny Dyer where she got her tits out, I got married and had two kids.

“But now’s she’s back in my life, looking better than ever, oozing mature sexual confidence. Deep in my heart I know it could still work between us. I am so conflicted.”

40-year-old engineer Stephen Malley said: “I spoke to Gillian last night and she wants to meet up for a drink and some intermediate petting. The fact that this conversation took place in my dream only proves the power of the psychic link we share.

“We’ve got so much in common. For example, we’re both keen on UFOs. Also she’s passionate about making television and I’m passionate about watching it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

98 per cent of people you went to school with are racist

ALMOST everyone that anyone has been to school with is a bigot, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that over 98 per cent of Facebook feeds are packed with racist views and updates from people the account holder has not seen or directly communicated with for over a decade.

Friends from secondary school were most likely to post distasteful jokes or share photographs from racist groups, whereas primary school classmates tended to post their own violent suggestions and crudely drawn offensive imagery.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The more liberal, educated and open minded you are, the more likely you are to have gone to school with the angry and ill-informed.

“However, most people are reluctant to end their association with their racist school friends so that they can remind themselves continually what an excellent person they are.”

He added: “In fact, if you stop being friends with them you’re guaranteed to turn into a chorizo-phobe with a timeshare in Gibraltar.”

Roy Hobbs, from Bolton, said “All my school friends are horribly racist, but they’re not responsible for the most offensive content on my Facebook feed.

“That would be my mother.”