Picnic ruined as everyone brings olives

A HOLIDAY picnic was destroyed yesterday after everyone turned up with nothing but marinated, unpitted olives.

Officials said all the guests had rejected artisanal pasties and premium corn snacks after calculating that a small tub of olives would give them the most change from a fiver.

Within minutes, guests were attacking each other with plastic wine glasses as their enraged bodies reacted against the lack of anticipated carbohydrate.

Organiser Tom Logan said: “When the first few people arrived I thought, ‘okay, we’re fine for olives’. By the twelfth I was smacking the tub out of their hands and biting them on the chin.”


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Everton fans weird

A FURIOUS protest over badges suggests Everton fans may not be normal.

The club has unveiled a new shirt badge which experts say is 6.4% different to the old badge.

But supporters insisted the new badge was ‘odd’, ‘clownish’ and a ‘betrayal of the club’s heritage’ leading to suggestions that they may be the sort of people who receive daily instructions from their goldfish.

Julian Cook, a badge dispute analyst, said: “To describe the new badge as ‘odd’ seems… odd.

“There’s also significant levels of fury at the absence of the club’s Latin motto, which translates as ‘nothing but the best is good enough’. Given Everton’s recent history, this would seem to be both untrue and redundant.

“Perhaps they could replace it with ‘David Moyes is a total fucknut’. In Latin.”

Cook added: “Both badges feature the same ugly little tower, both feature the club’s founding date and both are the same basic shape. But such is the level of anger that I sense this is not actually about the badge.

“Gary Lineker needs to tell someone to have a word with them.”