Daily Mail opposed to holidays now

THE Daily Mail has now decided that holidays are decadent, Marxist and homosexual.

The nation’s conscience has urged its readers to spy on their neighbours and report them if they leave the house carrying a bag.

Launching its ‘Holidays are Foreign’ campaign, the Mail said: “If you are on holiday you are, by definition, not standing guard over our cherished freedoms. Therefore, when you return from holiday the Post Office will be a crazy Muslim.

“Also, if you are on holiday you are unable to deal with the Constant Massive Emergency.”

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We’re good thanks, England tells EDL

ENGLAND has told the English Defence League that they can stop trying to defend it.

The ancient nation is embarrassed that other countries think it needs the help of some scrawny, misspelled tattoo wearers who reek of chip fat.

England said: “If the EDL really wants to defend somebody I’m sure Wales could do with all the help it can get.

“And ‘wdl’ is actually the Welsh word for an undescended testicle, so that dovetails nicely.”

England has also asked the RAF to drop EDL members into Afghanistan so they can fight all the Muslims they want while being cut to pieces in a hail of bullets.

The specimens will be enticed into the back of a Hercules transport plane using a trail of Stella Artois and deep-fried turkey parts.