Kick in the bollocks ‘not always a kick in the bollocks’

KICKING someone in the bollocks is not always the same as kicking them in the bollocks, experts have claimed.

Norman Steele, one of Britain’s leading thugs, said the alleged victims of bollock-kicking were often unsure whether or not they had been booted squarely in plums.

Steele said: One person may feel theyve been the victim of a crime, another might just put it down to experience and try to avoid being kicked in the bollocks in the future.

If theyre drunk or on drugs, they may not even remember the searing pain, coursing through their groin.”

He added: “People wont like me saying this, but sometimes the victim has to take some responsibility for being kicked in the bollocks.

If you go out wearing tight trousers or cycling shorts, you are definitely sending out the message here are some bollocks – kick them.

If Im at the match and someone shouts Millwall wankers!, clearly he is giving me his consent to mash up his nads.

“But what if someone looks at me a bit funny in the pub, or takes too long ordering a kebab? The way things are going youll need to sign a legal contract before you can batter their testicles.

Nathan Muir, a Crimewatch fan from Stevenage, said: “If someone falls over in the street and then rolls onto their back with their legs slightly apart, how am I supposed to not kick them in the bollocks as hard as I can?”

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Twitter not allowed to be completely full of shit

SOME of the things that appear on Twitter have to be vaguely accurate, the High Court has ruled.

As Speaker’s Wife Sally Bercow lost a libel case brought by Lord McAlpine, experts said users of the micro-blogging service may no longer be able to accuse whoever they feel like of being a filthy child molester.

Julian Cook, professor of gossip at Roehampton University, said: “This ruling will have a chilling effect on internet free speech. Especially if you’re using free speech to do stupid, dickish things.

“Most mornings I wake up filled with the desire to go online and accuse a senior Tory of fiddling with my nutsack when I was 12.

“But just before I get to typing, I ask myself ‘is this actually true?’.

“On every single occasion I’ve been forced to admit that it’s not even remotely true and then accept, reluctantly, that I’ll have to find something else to fill my day.”

Cook stressed that Twitter users will still be able to criticise people on the basis of what they actually say and do.

He added: “For example, Lord McAlpine is a Tory industrialist who is also overweight. So I could, quite reasonably, tweet something like ‘hey @lordmcalpine why do you need so much money, you fat, greedy bastard?’.

“All I have to do is remember to not follow it up with, ‘you are a child molester’.”

Bercow had challenged McAlpine’s claim insisting her tweet was part of a widely-recognised pattern of being an attention-seeking cretin who degrades the office of Speaker of the House of Commons almost as much as her ghastly little husband.

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