Men Still Trying To Fancy Lady Gaga

MEN are still really trying to find the constantly-naked Lady Gaga attractive, it emerged last night.

In recent weeks, the American singer-attention seeker's ubiquitous breasts and buttocks have been causing increasing tension among British men, many of whom are struggling to understand why they do not find them even remotely arousing.

Man Tom Logan said: "They are perfectly good, female human breasts and buttocks. Normally that combo alone, even if grafted onto a toad's back, would be sufficient to heat my juice.

"Plus in her new video she wanks a marmoset while dressed as a kind of fetish combine harvester, or something.

"And yet… and yet, try as I might, I simply cannot muster any sexual enthusiasm for La Gaga. It's weird, it's not like I'm sophisticated enough to be deterred by her intensely irritating personality or the fact that she has the aspect of a young Pauline Fowler."

He added: "There's just something about her that's subtly revolting, like Ginster's Buffet Bars."

Teacher Norman Steele said: "I'm a bit of a pervert and also a keen amateur oceanologist, so Gaga – a dirty girl who frequently dresses like a crustacean – should be right up my staircase.

"Yet somehow I can't even crack a semi over her, it's most perplexing. Am I on the turn?"

Dr Nikki Hollis, of the Institute for Studies, said: "My guess is it's probably because she looks like the personification of some weird STD from the 23rd century.

"Plus she's got that Peaches Geldof thing where her face looks like it's been painted onto a deflating balloon."


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Hull Chairman To Set Fire To Stadium

HULL City chairman Adam Pearson is to follow up his appointment of Iain Dowie as manager by burning the stadium to the ground and salting the pitch.

As part of a staged programme to wipe the club from the face of the earth, Pearson will ask the local authority to institute a by-law making the wearing of the black and amber shirts a burning offence.

Fans will be encouraged to throw seats onto the pitch before, during and after games, while the dressing rooms will be stocked with a free bar, an unco-operative DJ and some hand grenades.

Pearson said: "Phil Brown unexpectedly backfired on me, what with the promotion and everything, but Iain's just the man to turn Hull City into the footballing equivalent of the lost city of Atlantis.

"Assistant manager. To Alan Shearer. At Newcastle. Just let that sink in for a second."

It has emerged that Mark Hughes turned down the Hull job when he learned the available transfer budget was £149.95m less than his requested £150m, while Avram Grant said no after a free trial at a local massage parlour ended in ignominious failure.

Hull fan Charlie Reeves said: "While I'd like to think that we still don't know how the season will end, hiring Dowie is like Bruce Willis turning to the camera an hour into The Sixth Sense and saying 'I'm a ghost, you know'. We're totally fucking Portsmouthed."

Pearson paid tribute to his former manager, adding: "Phil left a big impression on this club, especially on the beige sofa covers. And while some will memorialise him as the sexbearded saviour of Hull, he always reminded me of the kind of bloke who would try to slip one to the babysitter when he's giving her a lift home.

 "Have you seen Rita, Sue & Bob Too? Spot on."