Most people have no idea what their job is

THE majority of the UK workforce do not really know what they are supposed to be doing while they are at the office, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that 64% of employees turn up and sit at a computer and then stay there until it feels like it is okay to leave.

Nikki Hollis, a customer whadyamacallit from Swindon, said: “I work in an open plan office with lots of orange girls and sometimes I go to meetings at a slightly larger office in Reading where they give me good quality biscuits.

“Sometimes someone will come up and ask me how it’s going and I’ll smile and say ‘fine thanks’.”

Roy Hobbs, a person who turns up most days from Hatfield, said: “I think I’m supposed to be head of, I dunno, some personnel bullshit thing.

“Or maybe team leader, or assistant product supervisor. Fuck knows. A couple of years ago I filled in some form, told the normal amount of lies during a 30 minute interview, they said something about pensions and then I went for a couple of pints.”

He added: “I get a lot of emails from someone called Tony who goes on about purchasing or something and sometimes asks me about my kids. I forward them to someone called Ian. Or I ignore them.

“Otherwise I just type the names of random dangerous animals into Google. I think it’s going well.”

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Terry In Clumsy Attempt To Enter Security Guard

CHELSEA captain John Terry injured a Stamford Bridge security guard in what the club has described as bungled attempt to have sexual intercourse with him.

Terry was driving out of the stadium after Wednesday night's defeat to Inter Milan when he suddenly developed a raging carnal desire for 35 year-old deputy security manager Steve Rowley.

The shamed former England skipper then deployed one his favourite modes of seduction by driving straight towards the target of his lust in a three tonne Range Rover.

Eyewitness, Nathan Muir, said: "At first I assumed he had knocked over the security guard so that when he got out of the car the man would already be on the ground and the sex would be that bit easier to conduct.

"Then it occurred to me that maybe he was trying to cajole him into the correct position, get him facing the other way on all fours and then use the car to have sex with him.

"I thought 'if this guy is so switched on he can use a penis substitute as an actual penis substitute, then how come he's not good enough to captain his country?'"

Terry was forced to resign as England captain last month after he was revealed to have had affairs with the parents or grandparents of eight of his team-mates, as well as an octopus, a bag of frozen spinach and a French person.

Terry's spokesman said: "We want to say sorry by taking Mr Rowley out for a nice dinner followed by a five star hotel and have even told him to bring along any friends or relatives who he thinks John might want to have sex with."