Murray knighthood would be like 'world's greatest dad' t-shirt

AWARDING a knighthood to Andy Murray would be a bit pathetic, it has been confirmed.

Experts said that making the 26 year-old ‘Sir Andrew Murray’ because he did his job properly would be embarrassing for him and he would probably only use it on the anniversary of his Wimbledon victory.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “He’s not your lovely old dad who you, quite mistakenly, believe is in desperate need of this shallow, pointless validation.

“He is a young millionaire with a world class girlfriend and he understands that a ‘Sir Andy t-shirt’ says far more about you than it does about him.

“Just like your lovely old dad.”

Professor Brubaker stressed that if Murray is awarded a knighthood he will turn up at tennis tournaments looking thoroughly awkward and mumble something about how his ‘fellow subjects got it for him so he kind of has to use it’.

He added: “By the way, David Cameron says he can’t think of anyone who deserves a knighthood more. And he visits hospitals, schools and charities all the time.

“It is so incredibly embarrassing.”

A source close to Murray said: “Just like your dad, he would gladly swap the t-shirt for just being left alone.”

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Bats would rather do it with other species

THE UK’s bats are not having sex because they find each other weird-looking.

As it emerged that the bat population is plummeting, bats explained that this is because they would much rather do it with other species.

Horseshoe bat Roy Hobbs said: “Even the hottest lady bat still looks like a tiny dog with a melted nose and two bits of leather stapled to its shoulders.

“I’d much rather bang a cat. Or maybe a horse, they’re very sleek aren’t they?”

Common pipistrelle bat Mary Fisher said: “I find foxes quite sexy, and even rabbits. Probably because, unlike bats, they don’t look like loads of different species haphazardly welded together.

“If bats are going to survive, we need to get past the fact that we look fucked-up.

“Personally it’s about sexual creativity in the belfry. My partner and I try different things like smearing each other with insect juice and licking it off.

“Also, flying is very exhausting and often you just want to hang suspended by your claws. That’s why it’s important to make ‘us time’ to do things like eating a hairy moth together.”