Mystery Surrounds BNP Invite To Palace

OFFICIALS last night said they were puzzled as to who could possibly have invited the British National Party leader Nick Griffin to a Buckingham Palace garden party.

An investigation is under way as sources claimed it was a clerical error and the invitation should have gone to Dick Griffin, a retired gardener from Hatfield, who recently swam the English Channel dressed as a giant cup of tea.

One Royal insider said: “Who could possibly want to see that idiot fascist parading himself around the Palace grounds, spouting his racist nonsense? It’s a mystery alright.

“It’s just a run of the mill summer garden party. The only slight difference is that Prince Philip will be there. At that time of year he’s usually strangling otters in Glen Shee.

“Of course he doesn’t do the actual strangling anymore, but he does like to stand on the riverbank and shout instructions.”

The insider added: “The preparations for a garden party tend to be very predictable. Although this time Prince Philip has asked for some of his special flags to be draped from the back windows.

“And he also wants his personal photographer to be on hand as apparently there’s someone he really wants to have his picture taken with. I presume it’s a famous otter strangler.”

A source in the Buckingham Palace kitchens said: “The food is just your typical garden party fare. We usually do some cucumber sandwiches, a Victoria sponge and a big bag of Wotsits.

“Although this time, for some reason, the Duke of Edinburgh has requested some German delicacies. Sauerkraut, blood sausage, that kind of thing. Not my place to ask really.”

It is understood Prince Philip has offered to take charge of the investigation just as soon as he has finished re-reading his battered copy of The Insidious Jew.

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Food Companies Forced To Replace Salt With Flavour

FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

The Food Standards Agency is to impose tough new targets on producers, who are now desperately searching for ingredients that vaguely resemble the photo on the packet.

A report found that one brand of breakfast cereal was made entirely of salt crystals dusted with wood chips, while local authorities have been advised to clear icy roads this winter by chucking around a load of Marks and Spencer's sandwiches.

But the manufacturers insist that, contrary to popular belief, unsalted food products taste absolutely disgusting.

Tom Logan, chief executive of Working Class Food Pellets Ltd, said: "You try and make a vat of turkey entrails coated in reconstituted breadcrumbs not taste like what it actually is. Go on, I'll time you."

A British Heart Foundation spokeswoman said: "Salt poses a real risk of increased heart disease along with red meat, alcohol, tobacco, saturated fats, dairy products, free money and sex."

She added: "You don't want to know what I found out about potatoes the other day. Do you know something, I actually spend much of my time sobbing uncontrollably at my desk. We're all going to die. Do you realise that? We're all going to die."

Meanwhile Wayne Hayes, a lorry driver from Knutsford, said: "I like the way things taste, so if everything tastes of salt then, personally, I'll just keep eating salt."