BANKERS are planning to post every blind child in the UK a poisonous tropical spider in a bid to reclaim their position as Britain's purest form of scum.
In recent weeks the banking industry has watched helplessly as MPs took their place in the nation's hearts as the group they would most like to string up from a lamp-post or a sturdy local tree.
But now, under a plan entitled Taking It To the Next Level, bankers have plotted a sustained campaign which they insist will underline their status as the country's foremost purveyors of utter bastardry.
The spider plan, to be launched next week, will see the distribution of thousands of cat-sized arachnids, specially trained to scurry straight up a child's arm and bite it on the face.
The spiders will be sent out in pleasantly-textured boxes with the words 'chocolate buttons' written on the front in Braille.
A spokesman for Lloyds TSB said: "You, the snivelling public, with your obsession with trifling political sleaze and vibrating chairs, had almost forgotten us hadn't you? Big, fat, fucking mistake.
"By the time we're finished with you, destroying your pensions and drowning the nation in debt will seem like a quaint, 1950s tea dance."
He added: "I just wish we could be there when they open the box."