Freak Show Forced To Defend Footage Of Freak

ITV freak show Britain Must Be Stopped last night defended its decision to show footage of an insane, dancing freak.

Viewers complained that Neil Horan, a former Catholic priest, was just that bit too freaky to be shown before 9pm on a Saturday night.

But producer Wayne Hayes said: "If we turned away every babbling social reject with a criminal record, the auditions would be over in about 90 seconds.

"Have a look at that queue and then tell me it's not an out-take from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."

He added: "The whole point of Britain Must Be Stopped is to line up as many freaks as possible and then jab at them with a pole until they do something weird.

"If people are going to start complaining that one of the freaks is too freaky we may as well pack up and go home."

Freak-wrangler Simon Cowell said: "Mr Horan may be a tad unhinged, but to be perfectly honest I'd rather be trapped in a lift with him than Amanda Holden.

"Last week I walked into her dressing room and caught her swallowing a live rat."

A spokesman for the Catholic Church in Ireland said: "Mr Horan was too much of a flipped-out, freaky weirdo, even for us, so it's only natural that his next stop would be a British television programme."

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Labour Chief Whip Defends Pet Cheetah

NICK Brown, the Labour chief whip, has defended his £19,000 food bill, insisting it is not cheap to feed a pet cheetah these days.

Mr Brown said the bill, paid for out of the public purse over four years, reflected the needs of a modern, hard-working MP and his big, fast cat.

He added: "A typical week involves eight legs of lamb, two boxes of fish fingers, a selection of family sized trifles and a case of Jacob's Creek. And the cheetah needs a whole cow."

Mr Brown, who purchased the animal in 2003 using the controversial Additional Cheetah Allowance, said: "This is my second cheetah. As a government minister I have to designate my small, London cheetah as my main cheetah.

"I work long hours in the House of Commons and then I go back to Newcastle at the weekends to meet with my constituents and make sure my second cheetah gets plenty of exercise.

"And by the way, you've really got to see this thing chase down a frightened jogger. Christ on a fucking bike."

As the Daily Telegraph's expenses saga enters the dangerous animals phase, House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin once again refused to resign and warned angry backbenchers that if they did not co-operate they would have to answer to his baboons.

Meanwhile Mr Brown said he would not be paying the money back but promised he would deliver a saving to the taxpayer by eating the cheetah when it died of old age.