A MULTI-MILLION pound campaign is being launched today in a bid to boost the flagging virility of Britain's 12 year-old boys.
The move follows nationwide disappointment after it emerged that Eastbourne schoolboy Alfie Patten had failed to impregnate his local teenage skank.
Now experts are warning that Britain's 12 year-olds will have to cut down on their drinking and smoking if they are to have any hope of becoming a father before their 13th birthday.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I'd recommend no more than two cigars a day and a weekly ration of 12 pints of strong German lager or one bottle of sherry."
The campaign mascot is 'Spunky', a hip, happening, 12 year-old sperm who is into skateboards, dinosaurs and Pepsi Max.
Boys who sign up to the campaign will receive a badge and a comic as well as a weekly email from Spunky including a masturbation timetable and handy hints about how to boost their reproductive potency.
Professor Brubaker added: "Perhaps the X-Box people could develop a game specifically for 12 year-olds that involves guiding a single sperm towards an egg and along the way they have to eat special pills made from Brazil nuts and cottage cheese."
Meanwhile Alfie Patten is understood to be relieved the daughter he was alleged to have fathered is not his as it now means he will be able to have sex with it in about 15 years time.
