MICHAEL Martin, the Chief Shit, was clinging to office last night amid a growing revolt by all the other stinking turds.
Mr Martin, Chief Shit since 1999, is under intense pressure to resign from a bunch of shits who want to scoop him up, put him on a piece of newspaper and then show him to angry members of the public who have been wondering where that disgusting smell has been coming from.
Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrat shits, said: "Mr Martin has done jolly well for a Glaswegian who was born in a public toilet. And, I am told, he can be charming and witty company for those who can understand what he's saying.
"But events of the last week have shown that the Chief Shit no longer commands the respect of all the other stools."
The Chief Shit is expected to make a major announcement today setting out his plans to reform the expenses system and confirming he will step down at the next election, as well as asking if anyone has 20p towards a can of Special Brew.
Mr Clegg added: "I favour Vince Cable. He is slightly less of a shit, he wrote an article for the Daily Mail pointing out the bloody obvious about the economy and he once said something that, for a politician, was widely regarded as being moderately funny."
Many Labour turds are standing by the Chief Shit, but there is also significant support for ex-minister Frank Field, who was sacked about 20 minutes after Labour came to power in 1997 for being an unbearable, smart-arsed little shit.
Meanwhile the Tories are believed to favour the austere, aristocratic shit Sir George Young who, like party leader David Cameron, learned how to be a total shit at Eton.
Backbencher Sir Denys Finch Hatton, said: "Britain was a much happier place when every aspect of its existence was controlled by a shady cabal Old Etonian shitebags."