Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
I am feeling depressed just now as I really hate my job. I've been working there for over 2 years but I've never really enjoyed it, and my colleagues are all back-stabbing arseholes. Recently, I've found myself calling in sick on a regular basis, taking solace in masturbating on the couch to Jeremy Kyle and eating entire multi-packs of crisps before 3pm. The thought of going back to work the next day makes me almost suicidal. I can't bear it any longer! Can you help?
I'm sorry to hear you feel so sad just now. Lots of us experience a similar feeling at some point, but you need to remind yourself it's only a temporary thing. Last year I wanted to stay off school because Shaun Wilson farted on my head in front of everyone when I was putting my shoes back on after PE. The next day I told my mummy that I was too sick too go to school, but she didn't believe me because I didn't have a temperature. I had to use her purple eye-shadow to fabricate a convincing rash on my tummy before she would take me seriously. For some reason, the rash made mummy start to shake and cry and we had to go to the hospital. The good news is that I got the rest of the day off school and the doctor gave me a lollipop for being so brave. You're lucky because your mummy is probably dead and you don't have to concoct elaborate ruses to convince her you need to stay in bed. So my advice is to stop moaning and count your blessings – and be thankful you don't have to sit next to Shaun Wilson for the rest of the summer term.
Hope that helps!