Nicole Richie's Baby Heavier Than Her

SIMPLE Life superstar Nicole Richie has given birth to a baby girl almost four pounds heavier then she is.

The baby was born after a 16 hour labour during which Nicole repeatedly asked her friends: "Am I getting any thinner?"

According to hospital sources Nicole breast fed the infant before accusing it of being 'a tubby cow' and sticking her fingers down its throat.

"Nicole is doing well and has asked for a mirror and a bucket," said boyfriend Joel Madden, a fat man that Richie took in off the street.

The baby, named 'Giganto', is expected to begin therapy sessions early next week.

Meanwhile California's gynaecologists have welcomed the birth as a milestone in celebrity gestation.

Dr Wayne Hayes said: "The last thing a celebrity mother wants is to envy the slim, toned figure of her own baby."

He added: "In recent years we have been able to deliver several babies who were only a little bit lighter than the mother. The Richie baby is very much our Apollo 11."

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Everyone To Be Fitted With A Zip

EVERYONE is to be fitted with a zip as part of Gordon Brown’s plan to nationalise Britain’s kidneys.

The zip will run across the middle of the abdomen to allow for the quick and easy removal of major organs and body parts – all of which will become the property of the Cabinet Office from next April.

Harvested organs will be given to Labour Party donors or used to make pies for the TUC conference.

Under the government’s plans the police, parking wardens and the inland revenue will also be given the power to confiscate innards for minor misdemeanours, public order offences and late payment of tax.

Alan Johnson, the health secretary, said: “Remember that time on holiday in Turkey? When you got drunk and went off with the gorgeous looking girl who then turned out to be a bloke, but you thought ‘in for a penny’ so went for it anyway, and then woke up with a splitting headache, and a terrible pain in your side, and a really nasty looking wound and only one kidney? Well, it will be like that, but without the gay sex or the stitches.”

Johnson added: “Ride the train without a ticket and we’ll have your pancreas. Anything involving drunkenness or aggressive behaviour will cost you at least a couple of kidneys and if your tax isn't on time we’ll just attach a Dyson to you and suck the whole lot out in a oner.

“Officials will be given some training and maybe a diagram. They’ll also need a torch as some of the smaller ones will involve a bit of rummaging around.”

Consumers welcomed the move but said safeguards were necessary. Nikki Hollis, 26 from Reading, said: “We will need proper labeling. I wouldn’t want to get a kidney off a black, unless I was planning to enter a dancing competition.”