Old lady sent to care home after fall

MADONNA’S family has made the difficult decision to send her to Rydean Manor residential care home in Sussex.

The former pop star’s nasty fall at last night’s Brit awards was the final straw for her children after a number of incidents in recent months.

Daughter Lourdes Ciccone said: “There was the fall in November when she climbed on a chair to dust the pelmets, and another one last month on a patch of ice outside the Post Office.

“She refuses to use the mobility scooter we got her at Christmas in case anyone from church sees her, and last time I went round the fridge was full of mouldy chicken.

“It breaks my heart but she’s not capable of living independently anymore.

“The staff at the home seemed very nice and caring, they have cake in the afternoon and a weekly memory club.”

Care assistant Joanna Kramer said: “She seems very sweet but we have been instructed to keep her away from crucifixes, apparently she has a slightly unsavoury habit.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your current problems could be related to that birthday party you had when you were seven and nobody turned up. You’d forgotten about that? Ah, sorry.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Pressure builds at work for the rest of this week until Monday, when the gents’ toilet explodes.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Geminis are naturally social people, as is the disease you’re diagnosed with today.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A stubborn relative refuses to accept they need help, so why not make their life so incredibly awful they have no other option?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Old habits can be hard to break so why not distract yourself from the stress of giving up coffee by starting up a vigorous crack habit?

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